RIVERSIDE, Calif. --- The Dale Foundation for the Advancement of Community Volunteering announced this week that La Sierra University had been selected out of of hundreds of American universities to receive its highest Obligatory Community Service and Engagement Award.
This particular recognition comes after weeks of data analysis involving an algorithm that, among other things, takes into account the percentage of a school's student population with unpaid speeding tickets as well as the total hours of community service forced upon students refusing to pay said tickets.
"La Sierra University deserves special recognition, not only as the recipient of this award but for being the only university in the Inland Empire with enough forced community service hours to even be considered competitive," said Dale Foundation President Juan Demasiado in a speech at a Riverside-based awards ceremony last night.
"Although we applaud the efforts of runner-up contestant schools, we cannot help but pause for a moment in sheer wonder at the dedication of La Sierra's relatively small student population to super-sized unpaid ticket accumulation."
Coleen Kim, a junior La Sierra Accounting major, accepted the trophy at the Dale Foundation ceremony. "We the student of La Sierra University are incredibly honored to receive this recognition for the hundreds of hours we have spent at community centers and after-school tutoring clinics working off our speeding tickets through community service," said Kim.
"Although we are proud of this achievement, we would not be here were it not for the energy and dedication La Sierra administrators put into hidden school fees and the powerful urge we commonly share to, whenever possible, rapidly escape the Southern Californian armpit that is the Inland Empire for Los Angeles or the closest beach town."