Loma Linda OB/GYN develops scan determining whether unborn babies are Adventist

This one has got 'General Conference President' written all over her...
This one has got ‘General Conference President’ written all over her…
LOMA LINDA, Calif. — In an announcement that has led to huge sighs of relief from expecting Adventist parents worldwide, Loma Linda-based Dr. Lisa Teller, OB/GYN, has developed a scan which she claims can determine whether unborn babies will be Adventist.

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“It’s been over 20 years in the making but today I am delighted to announce StraightSeven, a revolutionary ultrasound-based fetal scan that can determine, with 95% accuracy, whether parents will give birth to lifelong Adventists.”

Although there has been some controversy surrounding the “nature vs. nurture” implications of Teller’s scan, she insists that, regardless of the results of the scan, all responsible parents should place their children in reputable Pathfinder clubs. “I hesitated in going public with my findings because I knew that ‘Adventist-positive’ scan results would make parents complacent. Similarly, I didn’t want to drive parents with negative results to despair,” said Teller.

The OB/GYN said that regardless of scan results, parents should also do their best to expose their children to “controlled yet meaningful sessions of 3ABN and/or Hope Channel viewing” from day one. “Listen, just because your child is likely to grow up Adventist, doesn’t mean you can just put your feet up and relax. Also, if your child tests Adventist-negative, there is no reason he or she wouldn’t make a really good Baptist or, at the very least, join the hipsters on the planning team for The One Project gatherings.”

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Although she has not yet released pricing for the StraightSeven scan, Teller has divulged that in addition to a relatively inexpensive preliminary scan to determine likelihood of Adventism, additional blood testing can determine “other more specific indicators of likely Adventist achievements.”

Parents that wish to splurge on this blood testing will be provided with information providing highly accurate predictions of how many Pathfinder patches their child will earn as well as whether or not they will meet their Adventist life partner during their four years of Adventist college.

“As of yet, neither the initial scan nor the advanced blood testing are covered by any major insurance providers,” said Teller. “However, the advanced blood testing could end up saving a lot of money for parents of students unlikely to find future mates at Walla Walla or Southern. And let’s face it, the other schools are about as good at Adventist matchmaking as community college.”


12 Comments

  1. I also have some Patent Snake Oil for sale. It’s good for whatever ails you,

    Dr. Teller’s alleged test sounds like little more than technological hocus-pocus to me. How ironic that she is named “Teller.” And despite her best intentions, the test probably skews the nature vs. nurture debate. I think the evidence still favors nurture. . . .

  2. Dr. Teller's Jealous Colleague

    Dr. Teller is a second-rate doctor and a third-rate scientist. There is a major flaw in her scientific design. She claims to know with nearly 100% certainty who will be an SDA throughout their lifespan of 70+ (average) years, based upon her testing. But she has done the testing for only about 20 years. How could she possibly have enough evidence yet? She cannot extrapolate from 20 years to accurately predict a full lifespan. It’s not scientific. It’s mere invalidated guesswork. It’s mere fortune-telling (which is condemned in the Bible). I am calling for Dr. Teller’s immediate resignation, revocation of tenure, and the suspension of her medical license. Then maybe I will have a chance to advance and get tenure and get away with turning out such shoddy “research.” Good riddance, “Doctor” Teller, good riddance!

  3. Doug

    I laud Dr.Teller’s inventive and cutting edge expertise and the clinical innovation which, once again, every Adventist can be proud of. However,the article fails to note that Dr. Teller’s invention coincides with a decades long, ongoing study by the LLU Ethics Dept. in which their tests have yet to determine whether the image shown by Dr. Teller’s important contribution to expectant Adventist parents is actually a human being or whether it is simply a mass of indeterminate cells. Sadly, if Adventist ethicists are unable to unravel this glitch in the near future, Adventist parents may be left wondering exactly what they have been sending to Seventh-day Adventist educational centers.

  4. Richard Mills

    Loma Linda has one up on the Catholic church which baptize/sprinkle just after birth. Must be the Adventist sperm from mommy & daddy. What happens if there is an adoption? Where do the transgenders fit in this situation? The gay community? I am perplexed! Is this an Abraham & Hagar thing? Woe is me!!

  5. Glenn Rouse

    How is Lisa Teller? There is no listing for that person in the Loma Linda University Website Faculty and Staff list, nor in the 2015 Loma Linda University Alumni list. According to the Medical Board of California, there is no Lisa or Elizabeth Teller the holds a California physican or midwife license.

    • Ruth Barnum

      Glenn, “Dr. Teller” is a figment of the imagination of sevvy, the writer of these fictional satire stories. Everything on this site is satire or parody for sake of humor. Her “name” is intended to evoke a play on words, reminiscent of a fortune teller.

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