Mafia delegation praises elimination of secret electronic vote at GC San Antonio

UPDATE (factual and not at all satirical): About 2 hours after the satirical story below was published, the decision was made to completely scrap electronic voting at GC San Antonio. Here’s a link to Spectrum’s article on the matter: BREAKING: Meridia Electronic Voting Devices Scrapped at General Conference Session:

Just as in Atlanta in 2010 (pictured) delegates are being denied a secret vote...
Just as in Atlanta in 2010 (pictured), delegates are voting with yellow cards…
SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Representatives from the world’s leading mafia families in attendance at the San Antonio General Conference Session have heaped praise on the decision to at least temporarily forgo secret voting at the session’s business meetings.

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Soon after the church’s official business meetings started, plans to use 21st century electronic voting technology were scrapped until further notice due to malfunctioning equipment. This forced the question of whether to use a secret paper vote or whether to revert to the antiquated and completely public practice of holding up yellow cards to vote on the reelection of the GC president. The delegates opted to go with the yellow cards.

“We stand humbled by the boldness of General Conference delegates in dispensing with secret electronic voting for issues of as much importance as the election of the president of the Adventist Church,” said Alberto Campolo, a mafia spokesperson hailing from Chicago. “Voting of such significance should never be left up to the unpressured conscience of the individual.”

Campolo added that the time-honored and completely public system of delegates holding up yellow cards to vote on issues “is by far the best way to make sure that underlings vote the right way.”

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While he realizes that there is so much more to experience at the GC Session, Campolo said that if he took away nothing else to recommend for immediate implementation in mafia circles, it was “GC delegate voting best practices.”




  1. ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍The electronic voting system is also crucial for getting a valid vote on women’s ordination. Despite Mr. Campolo’s and the Mafia’s alleged accolades, the electronic voting system needs to be implemented before July 8. Further, the the delegates need to understand what the women’s ordination vote is really about. Many delegates are arguing about whether women should be ministers, but that argument is pointless because the vote is not going to decide that issue.
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Women pastors were already fully authorized by the General Conference (as “commissioned” ministers) in 1990. They already perform the same functions and have the same leadership role in the local church as ordained ministers. They will continue to do so, regardless of the vote.
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Women pastors already go through the same kind of consecration ceremony with a laying on of hands. The only real difference is the word (“commissioned” instead of “ordained”) that is printed on their certificate after the ceremony.
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍There is no point in debating whether women should be ministers, because that is not what the GC will vote on. When you boil it all down, the only real issue now is whether the individual world divisions can choose to call these female pastors “ordained” instead of “commissioned.” It is a matter of semantics.
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍There is no logical (or theological) reason to continue to discriminate between these two terms. The Spirit of Prophecy uses the terms “commissioned” and “ordained” interchangeably. They mean the same thing. There is no reason not to use the word “ordained.”
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍After all, the writings of Ellen White make it clear that ministers receive “their commission from God Himself, and the ceremony of the laying on of hands [“ordination”] added no new grace or virtual qualification.” It is simply a human recognition of God’s calling. (AA p. 161).
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍The General Conference Biblical Research Institute concluded 39 years ago: “If God has called a woman, and her ministry is fruitful, why should the church withhold its standard act of recognition?” (In other words, why call her “commissioned” instead of “ordained”?)
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍This viewpoint puts the issue in perspective, in the context of what will actually be voted on. When viewed this way, it becomes clear that it is not really a theological issue. It is a question of semantics, and there is no logical reason to continue discriminating between the term “commissioned” and the term “ordained,” as Dr. George Knight explained so clearly on June 20.
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍William G. Johnnson (retired Adventist Review editor) put it this way: “If God has given His stamp of approval to women in ministry [as seen in the General Conference policy of 1990], who are we to withhold official recognition?”

  2. Ben

    This is how CULT system is, “Groups that encourage a kind of obsessive commitment to a very narrow set of doctrine, authoritarian leadership and their own body of extra biblical revelation, they are basically closed communities, fully commited to some novel system of doctrine shared by no one else.”

    • Gerald

      Almost any denomination could fit that definition. Every denomination believes it is the right church. Personally, I think all organized religion is unnecessary. All you have to do is follow Jesus and worship Him. But if someone wants to join a denomination for fellowship, that’s okay.

      • Ben

        I agree to worship Jesus that is the TRUE JESUS; not the Jesus that:
        1. Beg that Father that Jesus sacrifice His life to save the lost after the fall of Adam and Eve.
        2. That Jesus was born with a sinful nature.
        3. That Jesus was not the scape goat, it was Satan that bears our sins and has a part on our salvation.
        4. That the atonement was not completed on the cross, because He entered the most Holy Place in 1844 to do the second ministration pleading the Father for our sins.
        5. That repented sins are not blotted out from the book and to be used on the INVESTIGATIVE JUDGEMENT.
        6. That Jesus cannot see beyond the portal of the grave.
        7. That Jesus is not God the Almighty.

  3. Richard Mills

    Hey, you make funna abouta my people. Thatsa no gooda. We makea cementa shoes in alla sizes for youse guys. That Chicago guy, you betta be careful whata you say. You notta wise guy! Woe is me!

  4. Note the disclaimer on this site’s “About” page: “BarelyAdventist is a satire and humor blog on Adventist culture and issues.”

    “Please note that this story, like others on this site, is a joke. All characters and incidents appearing in this ‘report’ are fictitious or parodied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead (or events, past or future) is purely coincidental and/or is solely for purposes of parody, satire, irony, caricature, or comedy. If you do not find these stories funny, please see your doctor to check your sense of humor (or maybe he should check your pulse). After all, laughter is the best medicine.”

  5. Ben

    Tammy, could you please tell me which one is out of context? There are people who will not open their eyes if they are convince not to see the truth. They also double talk and split hairs.

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