Michigan Conference bans sex on Sabbath, says it’s work

Happy Sabbath!
Happy Sabbath!
LANSING, Mich. — Never a conference to shy away from taking a hard line on controversial issues, the Michigan Conference has officially banned sex on Sabbath among its membership. “Not only is sex clearly doing your own pleasure but, quite frankly, it can be real work,” said conference spokesperson Frank Frigid. “That’s a double whammy of inappropriate in our book.

“We have decided that it is high time someone took a position on this issue in a decisive manner,” said Frigid. “As far as the Michigan Conference is concerned, you have six days to take care of business but the Sabbath is a day for Brussels sprouts and measured conversation.”

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In addition, Frigid said that he urged Adventists in Michigan to rediscover the simple pleasures of tranquil bird watching or tract distribution. “These staple Adventist pastimes aren’t going to happen if our members are consumed with lay activities in their bedrooms on Sabbath afternoon, or worse yet, during Sabbath School,” he said.

As news of the conference decision spread, untold numbers of Adventist Michiganders planned trips across state lines for the weekend.


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  1. Interesting. . . . I once heard that even Orthodox Jews allow sex on Sabbath.

    An Adventist once said to a Jewish Rabbi: “We’re a lot alike. We both keep the Sabbath.” The Rabbi replied: “No, you keep the Sabbath. We celebrate the Sabbath.”

  2. Fay

    In the circles that I came from the ‘sex or not to sex’ never came up, but it was plain that there was to be no bathing, which I could buy into, that is, until I got married, and then there was no way I could bring myself to go to S.S. feeling like a sticky envelope and smelling like last season’s chrysanthemum. So I compromised with God and Ellen, by having a 1minute shower, which hardly qualifies as a bath…right?

    • Ray Kraft

      Maybe President Carson can do an Executive Order banning sex on Fridays for Muslims, banning sex on Saturday for Adventists and Jews, and banning sex on Sunday for everyone else. He’d be a very popular guy.

  3. If The Donald is elected, I’m sure he would favor everyone (except Mexicans) having sex every day. But he is planning to change to an independent candidacy at the last minute, and he will siphon votes away from the Republican candidate in order to get Hillary Clinton elected. That is his plan and purpose, according to a fascinating conspiracy theory.

    • Ray Kraft

      I heard the same conspiracy theory about Donald Trump, so maybe Carson and Trump are both on the Clinton payroll . . .

      Or maybe she’s promised Donald the Secretary of Commerce, and Ben the Surgeon General, or HEW, and you know if it’s a conspiracy theory it must be true.

  4. Henry O'Ford

    “As news of the conference’s decision spread, untold numbers of Adventist Michiganders planned trips across state lines for the weekend.” Ha, ha! Reminds me of when my town was in a “dry county,” and the folks used to travel across county lines to enjoy themselves on the weekends.

    But, when you think about it, if sex is wrong in Michigan, isn’t it wrong in Illinois, too? Or should members realize that the conference has no business dictating what they do in the comfort of their homes, especially in the privacy of their bedroom?

    • Chev Rolet

      The Michigan Conference will appoint a Sabbath Sex “Czar” to enforce the new rule. He and his SBI (Sabbath Bedroom Investigation) Agents will be tasked with monitoring the security cameras in Michigan SdA couples’ bedrooms. Any couple “caught in the act” on Sabbath will be stoned–or at least thrown into the lion’s den. After all, what good is a rule if it is not enforced?

  5. Charlotte Webb

    Poor Mr. Frigid warned that members won’t distribute enough tracts “if they are consumed with lay activities in their bedrooms on Sabbath afternoon, or worse yet, during Sabbath School.” Have Mercy! Is he suggesting some members are having sex on Sabbath morning before church? They must be the newlyweds. Just give ’em some time. They’ll come down to earth in a couple of years.

  6. Clair de Lune

    When God created Adam and Eve on the Preparation Day and told them to “be fruitful and multiply,” He apparently meant for them to be intimate the next day, Sabbath.

    Didn’t Jesus say the Sabbath was made for mankind, not mankind for the Sabbath? Maybe He had this issue in mind. With today’s hectic pace and couples working on different shifts, the Sabbath is one of the few days they can spend quality time together.

  7. Jonathan Swift

    Just curious why you’re picking on the Michigan Conference. Are you subtly implying that their leadership tends to be legalistic and hyper-literalistic in their interpretation and application of scripture? Nah, that can’t be it. . . .

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