NAMPA, Idaho --- Drawn from extensive surveys of churchgoing Adventists, a compilation of 50 acceptable church hair styles has just been published. The listing takes the form of a book released by Pacific Press today: 50 Shades of Gray: Acceptable Church Hair.
In order to approach the contentious issue as democratically as possible, hair styles that made it into the officially-sanctioned list had to be representative of popular styles among the majority of active churchgoers.
"Adventists have once again bucked fashion trends. After we crunched the numbers the data spoke for itself: Gray hair rules in Adventism," said Seth Numbers, co-author of the new book.
"Because of the overwhelming preference for gray hair in our congregations we wanted to take as nuanced an approach as possible to cataloging gray hair variations. We feature everything from angrily defiant salt and pepper comb-overs to whispy 'dos with a hint of blue," said the other author, Sarah Flint.
"People think that once you reach a certain age it's 'game over' for exciting hair," said Numbers, brushing back a silver lock. "Nothing could be further from the truth. Our book will show you that there are over 50 ways to do it right."
Due to the longer-than-usual title of the book, ABC stores around the country opted to promote today's book release with abbreviated '50 Shades of Gray' posters. As of 7:00 AM this morning, the ABC ecommerce site had crashed twice from traffic and eager customers waited outside ABC store fronts in what several floor managers likened to Walmart Black Friday crowds.