Pacific Press releases ‘50 Shades of Gray: Acceptable Church Hair’

Gray hair rules!
Gray hair rules!
NAMPA, Idaho — Drawn from extensive surveys of churchgoing Adventists, a compilation of 50 acceptable church hair styles has just been published. The listing takes the form of a book released by Pacific Press today: 50 Shades of Gray: Acceptable Church Hair.

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In order to approach the contentious issue as democratically as possible, hair styles that made it into the officially-sanctioned list had to be representative of popular styles among the majority of active churchgoers.

“Adventists have once again bucked fashion trends. After we crunched the numbers the data spoke for itself: Gray hair rules in Adventism,” said Seth Numbers, co-author of the new book.

“Because of the overwhelming preference for gray hair in our congregations we wanted to take as nuanced an approach as possible to cataloging gray hair variations. We feature everything from angrily defiant salt and pepper comb-overs to whispy ‘dos with a hint of blue,” said the other author, Sarah Flint.

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“People think that once you reach a certain age it’s ‘game over’ for exciting hair,” said Numbers, brushing back a silver lock. “Nothing could be further from the truth. Our book will show you that there are over 50 ways to do it right.”

Due to the longer-than-usual title of the book, ABC stores around the country opted to promote today’s book release with abbreviated ’50 Shades of Gray’ posters. As of 7:00 AM this morning, the ABC ecommerce site had crashed twice from traffic and eager customers waited outside ABC store fronts in what several floor managers likened to Walmart Black Friday crowds.


18 Comments

  1. JoAnn

    Disgusting that this book would be titled the same as a movie that is an abomination to anything Christian, much less Adventism. To even have published a book regarding hairstyles for those of us that are grey is also disgusting. I am of the three score and ten + age group and I don’t have to read a book to know what style suits me and looks best.

  2. Larry

    My late wife was a victim of the Adventist response to Gray hair. She was of Italian decent and had beautiful dark brown hair. In her early thirties her hair started to get streaks of gray hair. The “perfect and holy” Adventists attacked her for dyeing her hair and spending money at a beauty salon getting her hair dyed. In those days, unless you were a “rich Adventist”, it was a big sin to dye your hair. Her hair was beautiful and way nicer than any beauty salon could possibly do. Soon she committed the even greater sin and dyed her hair.
    I really love the gift of Adventist Satire you give us, Please keep it going. Its really amazing to me how stupid some Adventists are. Maybe they have been raised so protected and isolated that they have no idea what the word “satire” means

    • Ray Kraft

      Yes!

      Growing up Adventist, I came to see how some Adventists sometimes obsess over things that don’t matter, or not much, and forget the things that do.

      I think that revelation began for me one year in an academcy (that will remained unnamed, to protect the guilty) where, in our Bible studies class, the teacher spent two weeks talking about why it is a sin to wear a wedding ring.

      Jesus didn’t say anything about wedding rings, or jewely, not that we know of.

      But to the Rich Young Ruler in love with his money he said, “Go, sell what you have, and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.”

      And the Rich Young Ruler went away sorrowing, for he was very rich.

      Jesus turned to his disciples and said, “He hath his reward already.”

      Luke 12

      • Ray Kraft, actually Jesus _did_ say something about jewelry. He spoke of it in a positive light in several verses that are cited at http://www.GodLovesJewelry.com . One of the forms of jewelry that He mentioned was a silver ornament that New Testament women wore on their forehead as a “wedding ring” of sorts. (And the early Old Testament women wore nose rings and bracelets as an “engagement ring” – see Genesis 24:45-47.) God actually likes jewelry.

        • Winifred

          I’m sorry that you had to reference that website. “God loves jewelry” takes most, if not all, of its verses out of context. Just because someone posts something does not mean that it is accurate. That being said, I think people should wear wedding rings

          • Beat Odermatt

            It is one of the most interesting studies of human nature to examine why people believe or disbelieve certain things.
            Jewellery has been a hot potato in SDA circles for years. Pro and con arguments can be found in the bible. In the end it often comes down to who has the strongest personality and the greatest following. In these arguments a case can be made for “might makes right”.
            When all is said and done why do people have hot disputes about something takes us away from treating our fellow human beings with love, courtesy and respect. Is jewellery really worth fighting about?

  3. Richard Mills

    50 shades of gray!! Every week when my wife leaves the local beauty parlor, I see the 50 shades of gray all covered up by another color. Premature gray & white hair is in the DNA of my wife’s family. That well known Adventist family name shall remain anonymous for the time being. Woe is me!!

  4. C’ mon people lighten up. If you are still working and have gray hair, think back. We were the generation that prided ourselves in all things “natural,” “let it all hang out” and ” don’t trust anyone over 30.” Oops that’s us. Don’t trust anyone over 70 I mean. If you’re a baby boomer take pride in your 50 shades of gray. Who are fooling anyway? Take pride and lighten up! This is perfect

  5. Amidst the satire, there’s a grain of truth: “Gray hair rules in Adventism,” That’s because young people are leaving the church in record numbers. A survey in Ministry magazine in May 2014 reported survey results of some reasons the young people gave: the church is “like an exclusive club,” the ‘teachings seem shallow,” the members are “overprotective,” and the “leaders are repressive of [new] ideas.”

    By contrast, young people tended to stay more in congregations that they described as showing “compassion for those less fortunate,” where “teaching is relevant for life,” where “I can be myself at church,” where they “helped me understand” instead of just preaching at me, where “doubts are tolerated,” and “people are authentic.” In other words, young people tend to stay in churches where they have friends and the leaders reflect Jesus.

  6. Beat Odermatt

    Well done. You pick a current trend and somehow relate it to Adventism. I find the negative reaction of some people interesting. It is not surprising that people outside the church refer to SDAs as Sadventists. I like the way you poke fun at the foibles of the righteous.

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