Pacific Union College becomes first Adventist school to open a KFC

Day One!
Day One!
ANGWIN, Calif. — In an emotional ribbon cutting ceremony, a large crowd of Pacific Union College faculty, staff and even students that had returned to campus early, celebrated the opening of the first Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant to grace an Adventist college campus.

“There have been moments of doubt when I thought this moment would never come,” said franchise owner, Fluhd Geits, wiping tears from her eyes as she fished for another Popcorn Nugget. “I thought that sodium-laden, colorless meat analogues would forever rule the day on PUC’s campus. But here we are, unveiling a beacon of hope mere days before the start of a new school year.”

All kidding aside, click to learn more about Union College

Geits testified to the intense rivalry between herself and rebellious business management professors at other Adventist institutions that had “plagued every step of our journey to making PUC the first Adventist college home of Fiery Buffalo Wings Go Cups.”

Although Geits said that she had often felt ready to give in to the “comparative ease of opening yet another a juice bar or lifeless, healthy eating veggie burger joint,” she was proud that she had persevered and succeeded in her KFC quest.

Geits now says that her only remaining hurdle is an upcoming discussion with administration about whether her teaching contract will be extended.

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  1. I like the name of the franchise owner, “Fluhd Geits,” Yep, this innovation would open the “flood gates” to all kinds things at SdA schools.

    But wait, I just received a news-flash bulletin. The “KFC” actually stands for “Kampus Fri-Chik.” It’s all vegetarian, after all. (The “wings” are actually MorningStar Farms “Veggie Buffalo Wingsā€ˇ.”) The “KFC” logo is just to attract attention–sort of a bait-and-switch tactic. Colonel Sanders is assembling a team of trademark lawyers. Loma Linda and Worthington foods are rejoicing that they will still make a profit. And some hapless chickens at the Tyson Foods farm are flapping their wings for joy, hoping that their necks will be spared.

    Not one to be left out of the festivities, McKee shipped a complimentary truckload of sugar-laden, fat-brimming, calorie-packed, sodium-whopping Little Debbie’s “health cakes” for the ribbon-cutting ceremony of the PUC Kampus Fri-Chik diner. Paramedics were on hand to treat cases of sugar-overdose, diabetic coma, acute obesity, hypertension, and atherosclerosis.

  2. Donald Dump

    Why didn’t they consult me? I would have advised them to get a super world-class negotiator and deal maker. If they had hired me, they would have not only a KFC but also a Shrimp & Oyster Cafe and an Irish Pub & Gentleman’s Club at PUC. It would be only a matter of time until we made inroads at all Adventist colleges–even the self-supporting Weimar and Hartland. Imagine seeing Dr. Neal Neddly chomping on a rare steak with a side of octopus.

    If I could do that, imagine what a great President I would be. Definitely much better than Benz Carlson or Hillarious Clinton. And don’t get me talking about the Great Wall of Mexico. I’m gonna build a Great Wall of Canada, too. And maybe even a Great Wall of Cuba! And a Great Wall of ObamaCare! And ya know what I’m going build ’em with? Empty bottles of Postum and old Heritage Singers record sleeves, that’s what. Well, actually, I’m gonna hire ADRA to do the actual construction, but you know what I mean. As for ISIS, I’ll just nuke the #%!&^$*@ out of them (or I’ll hire my friends in North Korea to do it). So come on, folks, “Make America Great Again!”

      • Donald Dump

        Now there, Benz, don’t get testy. I’ve been thinking about nominating you for Vice-Prez. If you watch your P’s and Q’s, you might still stand a chance. After all, I’ll need a real doctor with some real smarts to tell me what to do, since my honorary doctorate from Jerry Falwell’s college isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on and my so-called real estate university is in hot water with the attorney general’s office.

  3. Mark Clark

    This has to be a joke. If it was true, Doug Batchelor and 3ABN would be up in arms. I’m surprised they’re not already up in arms over the fact that half of the Adventist churches in my state (Florida) serve chicken and fish at their potluck dinners, and Union College serves coffee in the cafeteria, and a goodly percentage of the Adventists in Southern California sip wine with their dinner. The church is going to the dogs. Or should I say, going to the chickens.

  4. What’s next? A Playboy spread, “Coeds of PUC”? Elmshaven Bed and Breakfast with a wine bar? A Howell Mountain Hideout with daily rates for “committed” couples? An invitation to the pope to preach a Sabbath service? Baptism by sprinkling under the guise of saving water? No baptism at all under a new policy of “Why Bother?” The road to perdition has no limits.

    • Sherlock Combs

      That’s preposterous, Larry! PUC coeds would never do a centerfold spread. It would more likely be the “Coeds of La Sierra.” As for the “invitation to the pope to preach a Sabbath service,” I don’t know if you mean the Roman Pope, or the GC Pope. Both are vehemently against ordination of women, so they would have plenty to talk about.

  5. Milly Rice

    This site is a disgrace. The owner is perpetrating lies in the name of “satire.” Satire is one thing; lies are another. This site is neither one. Shame on you. And you can stop hiding behind that silly screenname “sevvy.” We know who you are; we have identified you as Ivan Knickerbocker of Boise, Idaho. Why not use your time, talent, and effort to write something true and worthwhile, like Huckleberry Finn? Nobody even reads this site anymore; and all the people who write comments are a big bunch of losers.

  6. Richard Mills

    Way to go, PUC. This stuff is finger lickin’ gooooooooood!! Will the stuff be deep fried in vegan lard? Hope so!! Are the chickens range free, cage free, GMO free, free of pesticides, insecticides, herbicides, etc. ? Woe is me!!

  7. Willy

    Forget KFC. The king is Elvis Presley, and he is still alive! He is 80 years old now, and still rocking around the clock. He went into hiding in 1979, when he became a secret agent for the DEA. Currently he is a secret agent for Amazing Facts and is hiding on a UFO until the controversy on WO is resolved.

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