Visitor to Adventist Church calls 911 to report guy drowning people

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. — Police stormed a Seventh-day Adventist Church this morning after reports that a man was drowning people in a tank. The 911 call came from Primera Ves, a newcomer to Still Read more […]

Adventist caught vacuuming after Friday sunset

BERKSHIRE, England — Earlier today a sudden bolt of lightning tore a hole in the roof of a house belonging to a Seventh-day Adventist. The lightning strike occured minutes after sunset as Read more […]

Adventist disfellowshipped after Rice Krispies found in his Special K Loaf

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Lifelong Adventist and faithful potluck contributor Chip Skeete was disfellowshipped from Collegedale Church after church elders discovered Rice Krispies in the Special Read more […]

FBI investigates fake bill fraud in Adventist offering plates

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The FBI is investigating a large case of fake bill fraud that has been discovered in the offering plates of Seventh-day Adventist churches in the United States. FBI agents Read more […]

Adventist vegan rushed to hospital after carrot overdose

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — A life-long Adventist vegan was rushed to Loma Linda Medical Center after what emergency personnel termed a “carrot overdose.” While lapsing in and out of consciousness, Read more […]

Philippine President Duterte tells Adventists to evangelize South China Sea

MANILA, Philippines — In a statement this morning, Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte encouraged Seventh-Day Adventists in his country to evangelize islands in the South China Sea. The president Read more […]

Carson: “Cruz’s non-endorsement of Trump is biggest insult since GC rejected Women’s Ordination”

CLEVELAND, Ohio — Former presidential candidate Ben Carson had strong words to describe Ted Cruz’s refusal to endorse Donald Trump for president yesterday. “Cruz’s non-endorsement of Donald Read more […]

Dwight Nelson declared missing person, last seen playing Pokémon GO

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Police officials declared Pioneer Memorial Church Senior Pastor Dwight Nelson missing this morning. The well-known Adventist evangelist was last seen playing Pokémon Read more […]

Self-professed Ellen White expert rummaging through red books looking for Bible

BATTLE CREEK, Mich. —  Self-styled Adventist heritage guru and enthusiastically amateur Ellen White writings compiler, Lester Lite, expressed mild consternation at not being able to find Read more […]