Ted Wilson toasting 2016: “Jesus turned water into Martinelli’s”

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Ted Wilson, president of the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists, toasted 2016 with a glass of Mattinelli’s apple cider at an office New Year’s Eve party last night. Read more […]

La Sierra’s graduate school offers last-ditch marriage hope to aging Adventist singles

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — An annual General Conference report has found that, despite the best efforts of Adventist undergraduate schools around the world, “an alarming percentage of Adventist college Read more […]

“Affluenza” teen avoids jail by enrolling at Montemorelos, Adventist University in Mexico

MONTEMORELOS, Mexico — Following his capture in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, after fleeing the US during an investigation into alleged parole violation, “Affluenza Teen” Ethan Couch has been ordered Read more […]

Ben Carson declared president-elect of Southern Adventist University

BREAKING NEWS COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — In a surprise announcement this morning, Southern Adventist University named Adventist former neurosurgeon and GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson, president-elect Read more […]

Adventist leaders pray for new prophet in 2016 — a male one

SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference leaders are ushering in 2016 with a season of prayer and fasting for a new Adventist prophet in 2016. This time around, however, leaders are specifically Read more […]

Ellen White action figure shoots to top of Adventist Christmas gift lists

Excited Adventists everywhere are ripping open carefully wrapped Christmas presents and according to real-time data available from the General Conference Department of Questionable Expenditure, Read more […]

Pope sends Doug Batchelor a Christmas card saying “all is forgiven”

ROSEVILE, Calif. — An unexpected Christmas card from Pope Francis was delivered to veteran Adventist evangelist Doug Batchelor today. After wishing Batchelor a Merry Christmas, the Pope added Read more […]

Embarrassing mom touts son’s Union College scholarship, doesn’t mention everyone gets one

LOS ANGELES, Calif. — The holidays have become a little less bearable for family, friends and even loose acquaintances of Plyse Stahp whose 18-year-old son, Husker, just received an acceptance Read more […]

Adventist pastor fired for “may the force be with you” benediction

BURBANK, Calif. — There’s a fresh job vacancy at North Burbank Seventh-day Adventist Church after avid Star Wars fanboy and former Senior Pastor Laffa Mignit ended this weekend’s Sabbath benediction Read more […]