NFL caves to concussion lawsuits, adopts Adventist “friendly competition” flag football

NEW YORK, N.Y. — The NFL has responded to rapidly multiplying concussion lawsuits from former players by changing the rules of the sport. As of next season, games will be played by what NFL Read more […]

Adventist evangelist: Nobody is going anywhere until one more responds to altar call

BREAKING NEWS Marietta, Ga. — Today’s evangelistic campaign crowd in downtown Marietta, Ga. has been notified that everyone will be staying put until at least one more brave soul comes up Read more […]

General Conference suspends North American Division from decision making for supporting women

SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference leaders of the Seventh-day Adventist Church have chosen to sanction the North American Division of the church for what GC leadership calls “disruptive Read more […]

La Sierra chosen as filming location for “Friends” reunion

NEW YORK, N.Y. — Fans of the long-running NBC sitcom Friends were delighted at NBC’s announcement this week that a rumored reunion episode would finally materialize next month. In order to get Read more […]

Andrews University gives thanks after tornado destroys eyesore gym

  BREAKING NEWS BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — A crowd of several thousand Andrews University students, staff, faculty and alumni gathered around what used to be the school’s Johnson Gymnasium Read more […]

Adventist Church to buy struggling Chipotle chain, rename it Haystacks “R” Us

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In the first high-stakes acquisition of its kind, the Seventh-day Adventist Church has announced plans to buy Chipotle Mexican Grill, Inc. The struggling chain of Mexican-style Read more […]

Grumpy church greeter barks “Happy Sabbath” at innocent passersby

GLENDALE, Ariz.. — Foot traffic outside Glendale City Church was disrupted this morning as passersby were accosted with angry barks of “Happy Sabbath” coming from a church greeter. Ā Eyewitnesses Read more […]

Obama to teach constitutional law at Oakwood in 2017

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Barack Obama brought years of speculation to an end this morning by announcing what he plans to do after his presidency. As of mid-January next year, Obama will Read more […]

Adventist Church offers tithing discount if you pay for 2019 upfront

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Seventh-day Adventists have an opportunity to save significantly on their tithing expenses in 2019. The General Conference is giving every baptized member until the end Read more […]