GC demands more seating for angels in theater lobbies

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist leaders have written a stern letter to major American theater chains demanding that they dramatically increase the “quantity and quality of theater lobby angel Read more […]

French Adventists boast “Total Member Involvement” in watching World Cup Final

FRANCE — Leaders of the Adventist Church in France have confirmed that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, there was total member involvement among Adventists in the country watching the World Cup Read more […]

Kylie Jenner releases line of Adventist-approved “SabbathLipstick”

LOS ANGELES, Calif. — Fast on her way to billionairedom, reality star  entrepreneur Kylie Jenner has opened yet another line in her cosmetics empire: Adventist-approved SabbathLipstick. According Read more […]

English Adventists wear sackloth and ashes after World Cup ouster

ENGLAND — Adventists across England have donned sackcloth and ashes after a devastating World Cup defeat by Croatia. Church members that had secretly been praying that England would feature Read more […]

Environmental Protection Agency warns of “dangerously high judginess levels” at your local church

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an emergency announcement, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) is warning the nation of impending disaster after “dangerously high judginess levels” were detected Read more […]

White Estate: Spirit of Prophecy Does Not Contain World Cup Predictions

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a warning to amateur church historians, the White Estate has issued a statement saying that Ellen White’s writings contain absolutely no predictions about the winner Read more […]

Southern to include wedding expenses in graduation fees

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. —- A press release from Southern Adventist University has announced that in order to “streamline what often turns out to be nearly simultaneous events,” the university Read more […]

How long should altar calls last? (Adventists Speak Up)

  Altar calls are a time-honored and time-consuming evangelistic tradition that Adventist feel strongly about. How long should they last? Some Adventists speak up: Juan Lentisimo, Read more […]

Demoted church administrator devastated to be winning souls as local pastor

BORING, N.D. — After losing a close re-election bid for his position as conference executive secretary, Zac Cloth has spent the last several months mourning his new role as a local church pastor. For Read more […]