Rock Music Pathfinder honor introduced
BREAKING NEWS SILVER SPRING, Md. — A Pathfinder honor about the dangers of rock and roll was launched today. Would-be patch recipients will have to flawlessly recite 28 reasons why a drum Read more […]
Simon Cowell to judge Adventist Special Music performances
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — In a surprise development today, Simon Cowell signed a contract to judge special music performances at Adventist churches. Cowell who is known for his scathing critiques Read more […]
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Adventist man determined to mow lawn before Sabbath
DUSTER, Kan. — Joe Twister, a devout Adventist blew off both a tornado warning and an obvious sighting today to make sure he mowed his lawn before Sabbath. Twister told his wife and incredulous Read more […]
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Adventist Church introduces preferred seating for anyone wearing a tie
BREAKING NEWS SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a move aimed at encouraging “appropriate Adventist attire,” the Adventist Church has introduced a preferred seating policy to reward anyone wearing a Read more […]
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Scottish Adventist banned from Michigan Conference for “cross-dressing”
UPTITE, Mich. — A Scottish Adventist visiting Michigan for the first time was chased out of Uptite Lane Adventist Church for what stone-faced deacons called “shameless cross-dressing.” Alastair Read more […]
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Adventist churches across America schedule Comey hearings to boost attendance
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Adventist Churches across America have been stumbling over themselves trying to schedule former FBI Director James Comey for an appearance at one of their services. Comey’s Read more […]
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Obama to teach kitesurfing at Camp Au Sable
CRAWFORD COUNTY, Mich. — Camp Au Sable signed an unlikely kitesurfing instructor this week. Former President Barack Obama who has enjoyed his fair share of water sports since leaving office, Read more […]
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Adventist Church claims Ellen White was “Original Wonder Woman”
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Adventist Church released a statement this afternoon claiming that the denomination’s female cofounder, Ellen White, was the “Original Wonder Woman.” Church leaders Read more […]
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Adventists launch caffeine-free COFEFE
BREAKING NEWS SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Adventist Church has launched COFEFE, a new “presidentially-inspired, caffeine-free drink that trumps all other coffee substitutes on the market.” The Read more […]
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Adventist colleges apologize for being located so far from anything cool
ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventist colleges around the world have issued an apology to students and alumni for being located “so far from anything remotely cool.” The apology comes after Read more […]
