Florida’s Adventists leave state over lack of End Times mountain hideouts

FLORIDA — Expressing extreme frustration with the flatness of their home state, Floridian Adventists are leaving en masse for what they call “End Times reasons.” They blame the lack of mountains Read more […]

Walla Walla aviation program scraps planes for balloons

COLLEGE PLACE, Wash. — In a dramatic U-turn for Walla Walla University’s Aviation program, the existing fleet of planes has been sold to buy hot air balloons. Walla Walla made the decision Read more […]

TSA bans “toxic” carob from passenger carry-ons

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has added carob products to it’s ever-expanding list of items banned from flight passenger carry-ons. Calling carob “demonstrably Read more […]

Andrews seminarian shakes dust off feet after rejection by latest undergrad crush

Berrien Springs, Mich. — Andrews University seminarian, Kazo Nova walked campus in a daze today after his latest romantic advances were rejected by an undergrad who said she preferred him as Read more […]

Dan Jackson hit with gag order after being too honest at “Is This Thing On?” Q&A

SILVER SPRING, Md. — North American Division President Dan Jackson has been formally forbidden from making any public comments on behalf of the church by a formal General Conference gag order. The Read more […]

Pope donates blood to Adventist Global Youth Day blood drive

VATICAN — Pope Francis was reportedly so impressed with today’s Adventist Global Youth Day 2017 that he donated blood to an Italian Adventist blood bank. While giving blood, the Pope said that Read more […]

George Lucas to do ‘Record Keeper’ reboot called ‘The Account Administrator’

MARIN COUNTY, Calif. — George Lucas is coming out of retirement to create a reboot of canceled Adventist steampunk web series “The Record Keeper.” Lucas will reveal his plans at the NAD-sponsored Read more […]

Official Ellen White book color switched from red to green on St. Patrick’s Day

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Ellen G. White Estate has changed the officially sanctioned color of Ellen White book covers from red to green in honor of St. Patrick’s Day. In a statement explaining Read more […]