Adventist penny-pinchers ask ADRA to renovate house

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Feeling the financial squeeze of the holidays, Tom and Suzie Avaro have petitioned the Adventist Development and Relief Agency (ADRA) for a complete renovation of their house. In Read more […]

GC bans Genesis Creation account for excessive nudity

SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference leaders have banned pastors from referencing the Genesis Creation account after determining that the story contained an “unacceptable amount of nudity.” GC Read more […]

Literalist Adventist clad in full armor of God not wearing pants

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — A devout yet slightly odd third generation Adventist walked the streets of Berrien Springs this morning wearing elaborate, highly authentic-looking upper body armor Read more […]

Adventists claim Promised Land was flowing with (soy) milk and honey

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist researchers at the Biblical Research Institute (BRI) announced today that the Promised Land to which Moses was leading the Israelites was flowing with “soy milk Read more […]

Adventist posting Ellen White quotes on Facebook exempts herself from witnessing

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Lis Redbucks started this morning with an unusual amount of pep in her step after finally having found a painless way to witness about her Adventist faith. The secret? Read more […]

La Sierra theology major feels called to ask out hottest nursing major

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — With just days to go before Christmas break, La Sierra University Theology Major Tei Amo has confessed to feeling a calling deep inside to ask out the hottest nursing major Read more […]