Adventist Churches to issue mandatory breath mints on Sabbath mornings

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In an effort to improve the Sabbath experience for members and visitors, Seventh-day Adventist church leaders have voted to mandate the distribution of breath mints on Sabbath Read more […]

Adventist man reported missing found in church committee meeting

COLLEGE PLACE, Wash. — A 50-something man who was formally declared missing by his family last weekend has been found in a church committee meeting Bo Ludo sheepishly admitted to local reporters Read more […]

Adventist church to increase permissible number of haystack toppings to 29

SILVER SPRING, Md. — After years of painful study, deliberation and taste-testing, Seventh-day Adventist leaders have decided to increase the already hotly-debated number of permissible haystack Read more […]

Heels banned in church for preventing Adventists from walking softly in the sanctuary

SILVER SPRING, Md. — High heels are a thing of the past as far as the Seventh-day Adventist Church is concerned. In a memo released this morning, church leaders banned heels in church for Read more […]

Argentine port authorities bust Adventists for smuggling veggie meat into “steak capital”

BUENOS AIRES, Argentina — The largest smuggling scandal in Adventist history erupted yesterday as the Buenos Aires Port Authority charged the Argentine Seventh-day Adventist Church with trafficking Read more […]

Adventist Church hires first Director of Friendship Evangelism

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Citing an urgent need to “start somewhere,” General Conference leaders of the Seventh-day Adventist Church have hired a somber feline by the name of Grumps as the first Read more […]

The General Conference promises your guardian angel will watch this film with you

https://youtu.be/s_NmeOPoBeI SILVER SPRING, Md. — For the first time in Seventh-day Adventist history, General Conference leaders have promised church members that their guardian angels will Read more […]

First vegetarian Chick-fil-A to open at Southern Adventist University

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — In a completely unprecedented innovation, chicken sandwich chain Chick-fil-A has announced plans to open its very first vegetarian restaurant on the campus of Southern Read more […]

Adventist grandma arrested for “graffiti evangelism”

KEENE, Texas — Retired Southwestern Adventist University Communications Director Ventista Banxie was arrested this morning while spray-painting an abandoned building. Despite the long-time Read more […]