Paranoid Adventist “ready” for the Time of Trouble

Best not to speed
Best not to speed
MAGALIA, Calif. — Paranoid Adventist Sayns Adatimes of Magalia, California spends his time frightening fellow Adventists and random passersby with “indisputable” current events updates that “absolutely prove the Time of Trouble is upon us.”

Adatimes has dodged small talk for as long as any longsuffering friend can remember preferring to assail anyone he meets with grim-faced warnings of impending doom.

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Determined to do more than just talk, Adatimes has fully stocked mountain cabins with cans of Big Franks and carob powder.

As of this morning, Adatimes has stacked his “getaway car” with a precariously tall pile of supplies so that he will lose no time packing for his escape when the time comes.

Two separate cop cars have already stopped by with officers telling him he will not be going anywhere with that kind of load.


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6 Comments

  1. Are you sure this guy isn’t going to a camp meeting somewhere? If he is a millennial, fuggetaboudit, millennials do not like to camp. Maybe he is getting ready for the great camporee in 2019 and then stay ready fir 2020 at Indianapolis. How can I get in on this deal?

  2. E. J. Michaelson

    Well…a few years ago there was a woman who wore a military gas mask at our camp meeting all week and tried to sell me one at her cost of $60. She said she was practicing for the time of trouble.

    • BuckyKat

      Reminiscent of the woman going around before one of the evangelistic series at Andrews predicting that was the beginning of the Time of Trouble and that the church would be burned down as punishment from God. There were a few students going around selling marshmallows to roast in the great fire :-)

  3. Goldenfoxx

    This is one of the reasons we left the Adventist church, too many kooks scaring the cr*p out of its members. I recall my daughter coming home from school and she was very upset. I asked her what was wrong and she said “Ms. **** told us that the police were going to take you and Daddy away and put you in jail because you refuse to go to church on Sunday.” My daughter is in her 40’s now but every once in a while she’ll bring that up. I will never go back to being a member of the Adventist church. I’m not surprised that there are still Adventists living like kooks, it’s been indoctrinated in them. Been there done that, and no thanks, we got out 25 years ago and haven’t looked back!

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