SILVER SPRING, Md. --- Escalating tensions within the Adventist Church are the subject of a new report which claims that fights over potluck remains are in danger of fracturing the denomination.
"Our members are typically in a happy, excited mood when they first line up for potluck," said General Conference Director of Event Refereeing Nutha Lokin. "The trouble starts when over-eager types start going up for seconds and thirds."
Pointing to official statistics showing a dramatic uptick in fellowship hall shoving matches, Lokin urged potluck coordinators on the local church level to do a better job of making sure there was enough veggie lasagna and tofu scramble to sufficiently feed the faithful.
Lockin also urged church deacons and elders to vigilantly watch for shameless freeloaders who "refuse to transfer their membership just so they can leverage visitor status to skip potluck lines and never contribute a dish of their own."