San Antonio declared Blue Zone as Adventist centenarians arrive for General Conference

Unbelievably old Adventists have invaded San Antonio over the last couple days...
Unbelievably old Adventists have invaded San Antonio over the last couple days…
SAN ANTONIO, Texas — A team of National Geographic reporters has declared San Antonio a Blue Zone as scores of centenarians have descended upon the city for the Seventh-day Adventist Church’s July 2-11 General Conference Session.

The term Blue Zone is used to denote a group of people or an area of the world where people live measurably longer lives. “Up until now we had only identified five blue zones around the world,” said lead National Geographic investigator Lon Jevitee, “then all these Adventist hundred-somethings started arriving in San Antonio.”

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San Antonio tourism officials alerted Jevitee to the invasion of San Antonio by scores of extremely old Adventists and asked for Blue Zone recognition for the city. “I wasn’t about to just dole out Blue Zone cred willy-nilly,” said Jevitee, who immediately flew out with a team to investigate.

Jevitee’s investigative team was not disappointed as they interviewed scores of walker-pushing Adventist centenarians while they registered for the General Conference meetings this morning.

“They are a very different breed,” said Jevitee, who agreed to add San Antonio to National Geographic’s featured list of Blue Zones. “Most of the Adventist centenarians we talked to today have never had a cheeseburger and none of them are complaining that their church has shut down all of the Alamodome Starbucks joints.”

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  1. Richard Mills

    I say, let’s put one or two of those “centenarians” on a mechanical bull and see what happens!! There is one just down the street at that Lone Star Club. They will be thrown a Texas country mile. Yaayyyyyhoooooo!! Woe is me.

    • Ray Kraft

      I was visiting down on the Four Sixes ranch in north Texas (that’s 6666, not 666) at spring branding, out in the boonies, by the pens, mid-morning a Cadillac comes flying up the road in front of a cloud of dust, stops, and a long tall cowboy gets out, walks over, vaults a 6-foot pipe fence, grabs a horse and starts roping calves.

      “That’s Tom,” said my friend, “He’s 76. They made him retire last year. But he doesn’t like being retired so he shows up to help with the work.”

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    “Please note that this story, like others on this site, is a joke. All characters and incidents appearing in this ‘report’ are fictitious or parodied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead (or events, past or future) is purely coincidental and/or is solely for purposes of parody, satire, irony, caricature, or comedy. If you do not find these stories funny, please see your doctor to check your sense of humor (or maybe he should check your pulse). After all, laughter is the best medicine.”

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