San Antonio mayor declares city meat-free zone during GC Session


SAN ANTONIO, Texas — “I realize this will be an adjustment,” said San Antonio Mayor Ivy Taylor, announcing to local reporters that she was declaring San Antonio a meat-free zone for the period of July 2-11.

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Mayor Taylor said that in recognition of what she called “new market realities” imposed by tens of thousands of Seventh-day Adventists descending upon her city for the July 2-11 General Conference Session, there was a business incentive for the city’s restaurants to go “totally veggie” for the entirety of the event.

Taylor said that while she realized not all Adventists are vegetarian, many non-vegetarian members still pretend to be meat abstainers around large crowds of fellow Adventists. “So there really won’t be any point trying to tempt them with a carving station,” said Taylor. Instead, Taylor recommended that restauranteurs acquaint themselves with the ever-growing list of meat subsititutes offered by “Adventist-friendly” brands like Loma Linda/Worthington.

“I know that this will be a kick in the stomach to our barbecue-loving locals but look at the bright side: This may be your chance to try barbecue tofu,” said Mayor Taylor, addressing the rest of her constituents. She noted that “millions of Seventh-day Adventists around the world seem to survive year-round without eating so much as a solitary rib, so we can tough out vegetarianism while these guys are in town.”

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  1. Ray Kraft

    Have Adventists discovered QUORN meatless meats? Way better than anything by Loma Linda and Worthington.

    Bacon (!), sausage links and patties, burgers, chicken, ground beef, turkey, meatballs . . . took me by surprise, when I tried the chicken it was the tastiest chicken I ever ate, you’d never know there was no chicken in it, but there isn’t.

  2. Folks, no worries. Take a short drive north up towards Dallas. Lots of steakhouses here, and Dallas is big enough to hide you from your vegetarian friends. Got an evening free? Y’all come on up!

  3. Richard Mills

    Hey, Y’all come on down. Vegan BBQ ribs on the spit. Whole wheat buns. Vega cheese on every vega burger. Spicy veggie meat balls in hot sauce. Check out the Lone Star Cafe’.
    Our waitresses are dressed modestly for this GC. No make up. No jewelry. Come on down for an SDA Hoe Down. Just a few blocks from the Dome. Woe is me!

  4. For the unwary, please note the disclaimer on this site’s “About” page: “BarelyAdventist is a satire and humor blog on Adventist culture and issues.”

    “Please note that this story, like others on this site, is a joke. All characters and incidents appearing in this ‘report’ are fictitious or parodied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead (or events, past or future) is purely coincidental and/or is solely for purposes of parody, satire, irony, caricature, or comedy. If you do not find these stories funny, please see your doctor to check your sense of humor (or maybe he should check your pulse). After all, laughter is the best medicine.”

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