SILVER SPRING, Md. — Impressed by the success of the Mormon-run Polynesian Cultural Center in Hawaii and the Christian theme park The Holy Land Experience in Florida, Seventh-day Adventist leaders plan to open their own theme park, “The 28 Fun Belief-dom.”
“We want to put the ‘fun’ back into ‘Fundamental,'” said Henry Menchen, chairperson for the development committee.
Highlights will include:
- AGAPE FEAST FOOD COURT: Features food booths like the Bread of Life Sandwich Shoppe, Bananas 4 Manna and the Of Course It’s Unfermented Juice Bar. For the families that bring their own lunch, there will be the PSALM 23 PICNIC AREA: prepared tables (picnic benches) in green pastures (lawns) by still waters (a fountain.)
- APOLOGETICS: Participants are divided into two teams, given a particularly contentious topic (e.g. drums/no drums in church, Big Franks vs. Stripples, etc) and given free rein to argue as loudly as they like for 30 minutes.
- BALM IN GILEAD: This attraction trains people how to take blood pressure, do body mass indexes, give CPR and insert NEWSTART and CHIP tracts into people’s bags without them noticing.
- BIG BOOK: Participants see how long they can hold up a huge Bible with one hand.
- THE GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT: A state-of-the-art, 4-D motion-simulator ride (read: It’s like Star Tours at Disneyland) where people sit for 20 minutes in near darkness before the exit doors open.
- THE SECOND COMING: Another motion-simulator ride where riders experience 1 of 2 scenarios: earthquakes, rocks falling on their heads, with the room being plunged into devastating heat at the end; or a fast-paced, edge-of-your-seat thrill ride as people are swept up into the clouds and outer space.
- SM YEAR: Players race through a maze while completing tasks like “Butcher the Native Language” (those with the worst pronunciations get more points); “Instant Sermon” where participants must come up with a 10-minute talk on the spot (bonus points for including SDA jargon); and “Vespers Sneak-off”: Players with the most creative excuses for getting out of church activities win.
- STATE OF THE DEAD: A rest area, complete with cots, where people just sleep.
- VBS 365: Long tables filled with enough popsicle sticks, googly eyes and puff balls to make VBS crafts ALL. YEAR. ROUND.
Quick Reminder for the Comment Section: Every post on BarelyAdventist is satirical. As in, the news story you just read was not literally real. The “satrically Adventist” tag and the “About” section make that abundantly clear. This blog is written by committed Adventists that believe that humor is a great way to discuss Adventist culture and issues. This it not a place for hotheads. Rude, judgmental comments or other attacks will be deleted. On the other hand, if you feel you can contribute to the discussion in a constructive and friendly “inside voice”, then have at it!