SDA theme park in the works

roller-coaster
Photo via safe4work.org

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Impressed by the success of the Mormon-run Polynesian Cultural Center in Hawaii and the Christian theme park The Holy Land Experience in Florida, Seventh-day Adventist leaders plan to open their own theme park, “The 28 Fun Belief-dom.”

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“We want to put the ‘fun’ back into ‘Fundamental,'” said Henry Menchen, chairperson for the development committee.

Highlights will include:

    • AGAPE FEAST FOOD COURT: Features food booths like the Bread of Life Sandwich Shoppe, Bananas 4 Manna and the Of Course It’s Unfermented Juice Bar. For the families that bring their own lunch, there will be the PSALM 23 PICNIC AREA: prepared tables (picnic benches) in green pastures (lawns) by still waters (a fountain.)
    • APOLOGETICS: Participants are divided into two teams, given a particularly contentious topic (e.g. drums/no drums in church, Big Franks vs. Stripples, etc) and given free rein to argue as loudly as they like for 30 minutes.
    • BALM IN GILEAD: This attraction trains people how to take blood pressure, do body mass indexes, give CPR and insert NEWSTART and CHIP tracts into people’s bags without them noticing.
    • BIG BOOK: Participants see how long they can hold up a huge Bible with one hand.
    • THE GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT: A state-of-the-art, 4-D motion-simulator ride (read: It’s like Star Tours at Disneyland) where people sit for 20 minutes in near darkness before the exit doors open.
    • THE SECOND COMING: Another motion-simulator ride where riders experience 1 of 2 scenarios: earthquakes, rocks falling on their heads, with the room being plunged into devastating heat at the end; or a fast-paced, edge-of-your-seat thrill ride as people are swept up into the clouds and outer space.
    • SM YEAR: Players race through a maze while completing tasks like “Butcher the Native Language” (those with the worst pronunciations get more points); “Instant Sermon” where participants must come up with a 10-minute talk on the spot (bonus points for including SDA jargon); and “Vespers Sneak-off”: Players with the most creative excuses for getting out of church activities win.
    • STATE OF THE DEAD: A rest area, complete with cots, where people just sleep.
    • VBS 365: Long tables filled with enough popsicle sticks, googly eyes and puff balls to make VBS crafts ALL. YEAR. ROUND.
With various committees, nominating committees for the those committees, vote-throughs and voting to have vote-throughs, Menchen said construction might start in 2025.

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36 Comments

  1. Steven Foster

    I love the writing you all do, but I do want to mention something to the editor(s)–‘SDA’ is not the correct way to shorten Seventh-day Adventist (Notice also the ‘d’ in ‘day’ is lowercase as well). ‘Adventist’ is the correct citation. I mention that only for the sake of professionalism :)

  2. I wanna go! What better way to teach my loved ones about religion then to get them on that second coming ride? Whether they experience the terrifying earthquake or the fantastical ascension, they are sure to shun there earthly ways!

  3. Kelly

    “With various committees, nominating committees for the those committees, vote-throughs and voting to have vote-throughs, Menchen said construction might start in 2025.”
    That was actually my most favorite part! That has me cracking up! I’ve always wondered why there are so many committees and nominating committee to nominate the committees! Hilarious!

  4. Carol

    Point of note that wasn’t the 28 fundementals or are the rest of them still in the pipeline/drawing board. Loved it. Yeah just needs more attractions. Don’t forget the haystack Sabbath dinner shack @ the food court. Sorry you may need more comitees to decide on that.

    • Lei

      Haystacks are a must, but the committees have to propose it to the board, the board approves it and then an administrative meeting has to be called in order for everyone in the project (employees, investors, etc…) to approve the menu.

  5. Bex

    You forgot the “Boast-O-Meter.” It’s like the “slam the giant hammer on the pad to measure strength” attraction, except there are two pads, labeled “YES” or “NO” and you answer subjective questions about sabbath keeping, vegetarian cooking, and Catholics.
    The more questions you answer correctly, the higher your mark gets to “The Kingdom” depicted at the top of the meter by a sparkly city, angels holding golden cards, and a smiling Caucasian Jesus.
    Every time you answer incorrectly, the mark falls back down to the very bottom, where an animation of an angry angel is depicted scribbling into a notebook.

  6. 4G (Fourth Generation) Adventist

    Instant sermon… That is awesome…. There should a filming an audience participating in the filming of a live television quiz show of “Name That Obscure Hymn Tune That Nobody Knows.”

  7. gary w. mccallister

    Why not build it in south Ga. around Pooler Ga. the fastest growing town in Georgia it sits next to Savannah Ga. by the ocean and 2 major interstates coming and going to Fla.and lots of motels just a thought.

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