Slacker GC San Antonio delegates face pay cuts over skipped meetings

Alamodome delegate seating...
Alamodome delegate seating…
SILVER SPRING, Md. — “Delegates who played hooky during the San Antonio GC business meetings are about to get their comeuppance,” warned General Conference Treasury spokesperson Will Butcher.

Acknowledging worldwide dissatisfaction with delegate absenteeism during the meetings, Butcher announced that absentee delegates employed by the church will face 5% pay cuts for each half-day of business meetings skipped in addition to never being invited back as GC delegates.

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“It’s all very well turning up and getting vocal for women’s ordination showdowns but the true test of a worthy delegate is turning up for work consistently,” said Butcher. “Sadly, as oceans of empty delegate chairs repeatedly attested, that kind of conscientious consistency was not on display with a lot of our delegates.” Butcher added that regardless of the level of office currently enjoyed by absentee delegates, punishment would be dealt out consistently as a deterrent to future delegate truancy.

“We now realize that we essentially bank rolled a San Antonio vacation for a distressingly large percentage of our delegate population,” said Butcher. “Some of these slackers are still holidaying as I speak.”


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  1. Doug Wells

    Amen … Now IF only this was for real and not just brilliant satire!
    This so ought to happen! I would be also in banning anyone over 50 – mandating an equal % of men and WOMEN – and, equal % of age groups as well.

    Time to bury the old boys club – and spending obscene amount of $$ on people just out kick up their heels every few years!

    • Arciwboy

      Great idea on choosing delegates. Should be an equal balance of laymen to workers. Workers can not vote their conscience for fear of vengeance from there employer. It is very easy to take a picture of a vote now and enlarge to see how vote goes.

    • Ray Kraft

      How about a lottery . . . everybody who’d like to go as a delegate puts their name in the big hat . . . and the delegates then get chosen at random?

      Why not?

      That should spread the delegates more or less evenly over the demographics of those who would like to go.

  2. As usual, one of the best parts is the name of the spokesperson: “Will Butcher.” Maybe the GC really should butcher their salary, since you say the GC “essentially bank rolled a San Antonio vacation” for them. . . . It was especially empty on the last Friday afternoon–a prime shopping time. Or maybe they were out feeding the homeless and handing out literature?

  3. Ray Kraft

    I’m wondering . . . what would be better if all those absentee delegates have been present and voting? Would anything change?

    Maybe all those biz meetings are just too boring for words, I mean, boring can be a fate infinitely worse than eternal damnation!

    So, my guess, if they’re off on some kind of private vacation, the GC needs to make those meetings a lot more fun!

    • Tom Trump

      Probably would not make any difference if there were present; seems like they don’t even understand what they were voting on, anyway. From now on, all delegates should be required to have at least a master’s degree.

      Or, instead of having 2,400 delegates from around the world, and of dubious qualifications, those 2,400 should elect a total of 12 representatives. They could be called “the Apostles.” To qualify, each of the Apostles would be required to hold at least a Ph.D. in systematic theology or a J.D. (law degree) and to be a member of Mensa with an IQ of at least 132.

      This approach would have at least 4 benefits: less travel expenses; less rental expenses (they could meet in a small conference room [perhaps dubbed the “upper room”] instead of a massive convention center); less likelihood of absenteeism; and greater likelihood of understanding what they are voting on.

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