Southern to expel any student wearing green this St. Patrick’s Day

Even this T-shirt is off-limits this St. Patrick's Day...
Even this T-shirt is off-limits this St. Patrick’s Day…
COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — “We are neither Irish Catholics nor drinkers at this school and by not wearing anything green tomorrow we are going to avoid even the appearance of evil,” explained university spokesperson, Deirdre O’Brien to a specifically arranged convocation yesterday evening.

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In honor of the St. Patrick’s Day “non-holiday”, Southern Adventist University’s administration has tightened the regulations for the university’s dress code (already recognized as the strictest in academic Adventism) with the school vowing to expel any student that wears green clothing on March 17, 2015.

As per their usual scrupulous attention to detail, university officials have promised to issue “pack-up” notices to any student who so much as wears green polka dots or green tie stripes. “I don’t even want to see a sliver of green undershirt showing through,” wrote Dean of Men, Patrick McKendrick in an email to male students titled “Don’t Even Think About It.”

“There will be no parades, no green-dyeing of any body of water, don’t even post a picture on a green lawn or change your profile pic to a shamrock,” said McKendrick. “I am on to just about every trick in the book. As far as we are concerned, any disregard for these rules amounts to an offense on par with sneaking into a girl’s dorm room or smoking in the library.”

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Although there have been murmurs of discontent from the student body, most students have decided that, given Southern’s track record on dress code enforcement, they have no choice but to comply. In addition, student leaders of the university’s Greenpeace chapter have cancelled tomorrow’s meeting just to stay on the safe side.


11 Comments

  1. Ray Kraft

    Oh my land’s sakes alive, God made so many green things . . . grass, trees, avocados, apples, grapes, iguanas, clover, shamrocks . . . is God Irish?

    And didn’t Jesus drink wine?

    Better expel them both!

  2. Richard Mills

    The color of the day is ORANGE. St. Patrick was neither Catholic nor Protestant but a tried & true Ten Commandment keeping Christian. That’s no Blarney!! Irish eyes are smilin’ at ye’ today. Saints preserve us. Woe is me!!

  3. “. . . any disregard of these rules [about appearance] amounts to an offense on par with sneaking into a girl’s dorm room or smoking in the library.” The reason good satire is funny, is that it carries a grain of truth. Here, the truth is that we too often elevate form over substance — like the Pharisees of old.

  4. kaj

    There is already a committee forming a committee that will form a committee to change Southern’s school colors of “Evergreen and Lime” to a less Pope-esque color scheme.

    Not only that, “Lime” is connotative of margaritas…

  5. Roque Rojas

    Yet another satirical joke about Southern, lol. It’s not the first time I read something like this, it might have even been on this site too, but I don’t remember. 😛

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