Southwestern Adventist University cashes in on Tex-Mex heritage, offers haystacks degree

Southwestern's new degree in Haystack Preparation has spiced up Adventist education
Southwestern’s new degree in Haystack Preparation has spiced up Adventist education
KEENE, Texas — “We trust that this will settle the question of which is the ‘most Adventist’ of Adventist universities,” said Bubba Bigger, a Southwestern Adventist University spokesperson, prefacing what many analysts claim is the biggest leap forward for Adventist education in decades: “Today we announce that Southwestern is boldly embracing its Adventist identity and it’s Tex-Mex heritage in creating a bachelor’s degree in Haystack Preparation.  This is a fundamental area of expertise central to Adventist identity which has become dangerously imperiled by the lack of quality training for our youth in the preparation of this most Adventist of dishes.”

Bigger said that Texan Adventists have for long looked on in horror as non-Texans “consistently butcher the preparation of the simple taco salad we know as haystacks.”  He said that Southwestern’s administrators had “reached a point where it was felt that our school and it’s excellent resources could not stand idly by as inferior haystack preparation practices creep into Adventism.”

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He made clear that Southwestern sees the new Haystacks Preparation degree as “but the first step” in a long journey aimed at comprehensively safeguarding some of what’s best about being an Adventist.

“Depending on how this goes we may start offering postgraduate degrees in Haystack Preparation,” said Bigger. He stressed that “being Texan and being Adventist places an incredible burden of responsibility on the shoulders of the Southwestern family to make sure that California, other troubling states and the world at large do not drown in culinary perdition.”


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  1. ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍I like the name, “Bubba Bigger,” for the alleged “Southwestern Adventist University spokesperson.” He probably got “bigger” by eating too many taco salads, err “haystacks.”
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Reminds me of the Far Side cartoon where a doughnut shop owner is pouring over the accounts, trying to figure out where all the profits have gone. In the background, you see a 400-pound baker sweeping the floor, while the owner says to himself: “I just don’t understand it. We’re moving 100 doughnuts per day, so why aren’t we turning a profit?”
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Maybe Bubba Bigger should transfer to Southern, where I heard they are going to offer a master’s degree in Little Debbies Baking. Bubba Bigger would have a field day there, chomping down on those wonderful sugar-soaked, fat-laden, calorie-whopping “health cakes.” Bubba would really get bigger there.
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍I heard that PUC will be next with a wine-making degree. The only difference between their wine and other fermented wine, is that PUC’s fermented wine will be “vegetarian” (there will even be a “vegan” version for the very conservative folks). Poor Bubba Bigger would be in a real daze there!

  2. Richard Mills

    Wait just a minit all you Tex Mex dudes–My wife earned her Haystacks Degree long before haystacks was the rage. She went to the University of Hard Knocks way up in New England (Maine) where they do it right. Must use a glass plate and real silverware. Place corn chips or other suitable chips evenly all over the plate. Next, the New England baked beans. The lettuce from a local farm. Chopped tomatoes. Diced onions. Vegan cheese shredded. Sour cream is OK. Salsa or Pizza sauce on top-lots on top. Now you have a genuine SDA haystack. Don’t forget a large glass of ice cold Moxie. And a bib!! Dig In!! The saltier the chips, the better!!

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