Supreme Court to hear Adventist vs. Mormon dispute over “haystacks origins”


WASHINGTON, D.C. – A growing legal dispute between the Seventh-day Adventist and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is headed for the US Supreme Court. At the heart of the battle between the two normally cordial churches, is an intense disagreement about which church invented the taco salad dish known to both as “haystacks”.

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“I like the Mormons but they don’t have a leg to stand on when it comes to who came up with haystacks,” said a spokesperson for the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists, Ekumen Acahl.

“The historical record is clear: both Ellen and James White were huge haystack fans and not a revival meeting went by without the faithful heaping huge dollops of sour cream onto sagging paper plates as they battled the New England cold,” said Acahl.

He said that the “Hawaiian Haystack,” popular at Mormon ward potlucks and featuring pineapple chunks, “clearly is some kind of a spin-off from a highly Adventist dish which brought health and vitality to the ailing way back in the early days of Battle Creek Sanitarium.”

Neither church is willing to give an inch on what both sides have taken to calling “our haystack heritage” and the Supreme Court is likely to hear the case early next year.

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Acahl says the Adventist church is confident of victory in the dispute. “The only complicating factor is that apparently the Mennonites also call their taco salads ‘haystacks.’ And they’ve been around forever.”




  1. Hilarious Clinton

    If I am elected, I will decree that EGW and Joseph Smith were the same person, since there were never seen in the same room together. So it doesn’t really matter who invented haystacks.

  2. Donald Dump

    If I am elected President, I will decree that illegal haystacks shall be blocked from entry by the Great Wall of Mexico. All fleeing Syrian haystacks will be blocked until we figure out what we’re doing. And of course, all Muslim haystacks will be banned totally.

  3. Burny Colonel Sanders

    If I am elected, I will put a haystack in every pot, and a Rolls Royce in every garage. I will also get a face lift, a pacemaker, and some anti-dementia pills, as I will be the oldest person ever elected.

  4. Mark O. Ruby-o

    When I am elected, I will fire all the Supreme Court Justices and replace them with basketball players. That’s because the roof of the Supreme Court building has a basketball court, which is jokingly referred to as the “highest court in the land.”

  5. Kris Kristy

    If I am elected President, I will tell my cronies to use haystacks to create illegal roadblocks on the Washington bridge, instead of using normal traffic barriers on the Jersey bridge.

  6. John Kay-snitch

    If I am elected, I will first let out a sigh of amazement, and then I will declare that haystacks shall be the official White House cuisine in honor of the Native Americans, who ate them with Tofurky on the first Thanksgiving in 1492.

  7. Ben Carsinogen

    This whole haystacks debate is useless. We need to stick to the real issues, such as how to train the liberal left-wing socialist media reporters to understand that I don’t mean what I say (I only mean what I later tell them I meant, which is usually very different from what I actually said).

  8. Dr. Ben Car-sin

    Forget haystacks. All I want to know is, how many books I can sell on Friday nights; now many political campaign rallies I can lead on Sabbaths; and how many Sunday church services can I attend; and how many disgraced crooked healthcare-fraud-committing dentists can be my best friend, and still maintain my nominal membership in the SDA Church.

    • Attila the Hungry

      Don’t blame the lawyers; I’m the guilty one. I cannot lie; I chopped down the cherry tree; I unstapled the haystack exhibits from the court briefs; and I ate them. Boy, were they delicious!

  9. Will Tedson

    Ah ha! This story is a fake, because the early Adventists would not have dumped “huge dollops of sour cream” onto their haystacks. They would have used the vegan “Better than Sour Cream” made from non-GMO tofu.

  10. Jack Frost

    This is another one of sevvy’s funny yet wasteful and deceptive writings. He is so talented; why can’t he spend his time writing something true, useful, and worthwhile — like raunchy rap lyrics or Ben Carson’s hip-hop campaign commercials?

    • Vladimir Pukin'

      How about far-out science fiction thrillers or steamy Christian harlequin romance novels? Or Scientology propaganda? Those are certainly in the “true, useful, and worthwhile” category, right?

  11. Jon Dough

    If only we would stop competing with other churches and just enjoy the differences and contributions of every denomination–from haystacks to the day of worship. Can’t we all just get along?

    • REV RICK

      HERE, HERE.

  12. Richard Mills

    Here is how it’s going down. The slick lawyers at the GC are going to file a Trade Mark & Copyright application pending this hearing. Another slick lawyer is going after all the others who are infringing on this trade mark & copyright and they will have to pay damages. Maybe another lawyer can help sell franchising/licensing rights. Bingo-settled!! GC treasury fills up. Another top level of administration to take care of. All is happy-happy-happy. Except the losers! Let them whine all they want!! I love haystacks. Woe iz me.

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