Adventist dad forgets all about Desmond Doss when daughter finds boyfriend

MARIETTA, Ga. — Chuck Packen, a lifelong Adventist and proud father of 17-year-old daughter Carrie, has already completely forgotten the Desmond T. Doss talking points that he had ready for Read more […]

GC allows Adventists to see ‘nature video’ Finding Dory in theaters

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a special dispensation forĀ fans desperate to see Pixar’s new release, Finding Dory, General Conference officials have opted to allow Seventh-day Adventists to see the Read more […]

Trump to ban Adventists from outsourcing baptisms to other countries

NEW YORK, N.Y. — In a rare policy speech this morning, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump vowed to stop the Seventh-day Adventist Church from outsourcing its baptisms to countries outside Read more […]

General Conference on global warming: it’s all going to burn anyway

  SILVER SPRING, Md. — Environmentally-conscious Adventists were shocked today as the General Conference released a statement on global warming stating that “environmental conservation Read more […]

Adventists rush to erect pagan moments in church before Christmas

Adventist congregations across America are working flat out recruiting their best volunteers to erect huge monuments to paganism before the biggest deadline on the Christian calendar. Although Read more […]

Adventists flee to wilderness with trailer of FriChik, forget can opener

BITTERROOT MOUNTAINS, Mont. — A band of Adventists that fled to the Bitterroots range of the Rockies with a giant haul of FriChik has, upon arrival, learned that they forgot to bring a can opener. Read more […]

General Conference pays for Alamodome Starbucks employees’ vacation

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Employees of the Alamodome Starbucks stores are ecstatic over an agreement made with the Seventh-day Adventist Church. During the General Conference World Session, the Alamodome Read more […]