Ted Wilson’s email scrutinized amid allegations he exposed haystacks secrets

Has Ted Wilson inadvertently exposed classified Adventist secrets?
Has Ted Wilson inadvertently exposed classified Adventist secrets?
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Seventh-day Adventist World Headquarters was completely aflutter today at the news that General Conference President Ted Wilson could face disciplinary action for questionable email practices that may have exposed information labeled as “classified” by the GC. Wilson’s accusers allege that top secret information on the taco salad Adventists reverently refer to as “haystacks” may have been compromised because of Wilson’s practice of using a private server for work email.

“Honestly, this could very easily have been avoided if Ted had just used our secure GC-sanctioned servers for all his emails,” said Joe Stickler of the GC Information Systems Department who has been leading the investigation into Wilson’s email handling. “Instead, top secret haystacks material safeguarded by the denomination for generations was made vulnerable to snooping by your average Baptist hacker looking for snack ideas.”

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Wilson has responded that at the time he received the emails in question they had not been labeled as classified and that he therefore stored various haystacks recipes, detailed analyses on the nutritional value of various chips and other information on his personal server at home.

“Ted has taken an uncharacteristically cavalier attitude on this issue,” said Stickler. “When you carelessly expose information like the years of research work aimed at defending haystacks-bound cheddar cheese as an exception to Ellen White’s warnings against the use of cheese, you are in danger of rattling some of the very foundations of our culinary heritage.”


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  1. What a great name for the IT guy, “Joe Stickler.” And what an obvious spoof on the Clinton e-mail scandal. Hopefully not too many Baptists will steal the haystacks info. Besides the hypocritical cheddar cheese issue, I’m curious if Prez. Wilson was storing secret research about any other issues.

  2. Joe Namest

    Don’t blame the Baptists. It’s all Little Debbie’s/“Big Deborah’s” fault. She hacked into Ted’s server as part of a corporate scheme to register a patent on haystacks . . . all in the name of helping the GC get more tithe money. #LittleDebbieGate

  3. Fay

    Shake, rattle and roll. You know it’s the time of the Shaking when we let our recipes get into the hands of Babylon. At least the constituents of 3ABN still have gluten recipes under tight wraps

  4. This is a conspiracy. BarelyAdventist is trying to make Donald Trump look bad by making it appear as if The Donald paid Sevvy to write a parody on the Hillary Clinton “E-mailGate” scandal. Sevvy had to know that The Donald would be blamed for ultimately being behind any satire about Hillary. But The Donald is actually part of a counter-conspiracy to make the Republicans look like buffoons and get his close friend Hillary elected as president. Conspiracy is stranger than fiction.

  5. Ned Neiley

    So, he had “research work aimed at defending haystacks-bound cheddar cheese as an exception to Ellen White’s warnings against the use of cheese”? I always wondered how they got away with anything besides vegan soy cheese. I guess EGW is an authority when she says what we want to hear, but she’s only a “devotional writer” when she says things we don’t like to follow. There’s nothing like inconsistency and cognitive dissonance to make you healthy, wealthy, and wise.

    • Planmeister

      Wait, wait. Is this the same Ellen GW who condemned sea food, and then included oysters (“of the freshest kind”) in an Elmshaven shopping list? THAT Ellen GW? Got it.

  6. Steve Foster

    There’s more to the story. The investigation has revealed a strange twist on the women’s ordination issue: pastor Ted was hiding tons of information showing that women’s ordination is right. Even stranger, they found secret documents revealing that pastor Ted is pro-WO, and he was trying to get the GC to vote in favor of it by using “reverse psychology” in San Antonio … but it backfired on him. Just wait till this news breaks!

  7. George Lincoln

    BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump has fallen ill and will drop out of the presidential race. Searching for someone who could carry on his legacy, The Donald recently settled upon Ted Wilson. “In order to avoid a circus-like atmosphere and confusion between God and Caesar, I shall resign from service as GC President,” announced Eld. Wilson. With a chuckle, he added, “I’m really not a political type of guy (except when it comes to women’s ordination), but when The Donald called, I couldn’t say no. I have led a church, now it’s time to lead a nation.”

    We reached out to “the other Adventist candidate,” Dr. Ben Carson, for comments. Before he hung up on us, we heard him mumbling something like, “No wonder Ted tried to discourage me from running. I bet he had this up his sleeve the whole time. That’s what I get for almost single-handedly supporting the GC with oodles of tithe money through the years!”

    Minutes later, unaware of Carson’s snide muttering, Eld. Wilson announced that he will select Ben Carson as his running mate for VP. “I’m confident in that selection, because Ben obviously won’t get the nomination for the Republican candidacy,” explained Wilson. “I just practiced campaigning recently in San Antonio,” gushed Wilson, “so I’m quite comfortable stepping into my new role as a politician. Come on, folks, let’s have unity! Vote Wilson – Carson for 2016!!!”

  8. Ray Kraft

    I don’t know if I should snitch or not, but I got an email from Ted Wilson marked “CLASSIFIED TOP SECRET” that extolled the virtues of making Haystacks with Jalapeno Pepper Jack cheese.

    Oh well, Ted and Hillary can get to be good friends in the pen.

    • Abe Washington

      Ray, I agree that Hillary may end up in the “pen,” but the report only says Ted Wilson could face “disciplinary action.” Unless the GC owns a penitentiary in which it punishes errant employees (which might not be surprising), I think you’re taking it too far for Ted. At worst, he might get a lashing with a wet noodle. More likely, it would be a letter from the executive committee saying, “Long live the President! Please consider whether it might be good if you would think about refraining from using a private e-mail server in the future. Thank you for your kind consideration, which is entirely optional.”

  9. Henry O'Ford

    Yeah, right, like Ted Wilson will ever be “disciplined” for anything. He should have been disciplined for railroading the ordination vote. It will go down in history as a shame on the church.

  10. Mega Jar

    Please do not be distracted by this story about the possible exposure of our haystack recipe. It is intended to deflect attention from the real story which was the exposure of the recipes for Swiss Cake Rolls and Oatmeal Cream Pies. GC Information Services is desperately trying to determine if Keebler or Nabisco has gained access to these invaluable assets. Fears of an immediate loss in tithe revenue from Little Debbie has GC leadership considering cutbacks to a 3-day workweek.

    • Joe Monday

      ‍Dear Mega Jar:
      ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍We know who you are, “Mega Jar”: you are a spy and propagandist for the Baptist hackers. We shall resist being distracted by your cover-up story, which is only intended to deflect attention away from the nefarious and greedy hackers who infiltrated Ted’s server and swiped the secret haystacks recipe.
      ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍If you deny that you are a spy, that will only prove that you are one — because spies always deny being spies.
      ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Nice try, “Mega Jar.” You can’t fool us.
      ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Sincerely,
      Joe Monday, private eye
      ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍P.S. Don’t worry, folks, the revenue stream of tithe money from Little Debbie is safe and sound. The GC will maintain its 6-day workweek and its micromanagement of the unions and conferences.

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