BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Bored yawns turned to mild terror followed by unrestrained rejoicing at Andrews University’s Pioneer Memorial Church (PMC) this Sabbath as a visiting preacher was removed from the pulpit against his will.
Jay Gaggleheum of the Michigan Conference Church Manual Interpretation Department was about to enter the 91st minute of what summer student Samantha Powell described as “eye-crossingly boring spreadsheet slides” when he suddenly plummeted through a trapdoor directly behind the pulpit.
“At first everybody just gasped and didn’t know what to do,” said Powell. “But then a bright green slide titled ‘Your Offering Dollars At Work’ flashed on the screens saying that the trapdoor was one of the many ‘hidden benefits of PMC attendance designed to streamline the worship experience.'”
Senior Pastor Dwight Nelson was away this Sabbath so Associate Pastor Toby Turner quickly took to the stage assuring the congregation that Gaggleheum was in good physical condition and was currently being escorted off campus by campus safety officers.
“He’s absolutely fine folks, it’s just that we warned him to keep things short but instead he kinda rambled,” said Turner to massive cheers and pew thumping, “We want to send a strong message to speakers here that nobody keeps Andrews from lunch!”
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