Union College housing shortage forces students to live outdoors

Union's International Rescue and Relief majors are ready for any eventuality...
Union’s International Rescue and Relief majors are ready for any eventuality…
LINCOLN, NE. ̶ Residence halls at Union College are filled to maximum capacity and rapid campus population growth is resulting in a student housing shortage. In response, International Rescue and Relief (IRR) professor, E. Mergency has come up with a plan to cope with overcrowding until new larger dormitories can be built: Banish IRR majors to living outdoors.

Starting this week, IRR students have been sleeping outdoors in hammocks that have been strung up all over campus. “I realize this might be a bit of a shock to the system but if you major in International Rescue and Relief ‘Adventure begins your freshman year’ is not just a program tag line but a way of life,” said Mergency.

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Along with IRR students’ normal classes, a new class has been added to the curriculum: Nebraska Survival 101. In this class students are given special guidelines for handling any Nebraska weather: from gentle rain to freezing temperatures to tornadoes. Extra credit is rewarded to those students who do not acquire frostbite as the winter months approach.

To counter protests from students that are unwilling to spend the school year living outdoors, Unions is “rewarding” IRR majors with a sleeping bag and basic survival gear. “We are throwing in a 10% discount on tuition as well as these kids are keeping our utilities bills low,” said Mergency.

Special thanks to an anonymous reader for the story

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  1. oldschool

    But absolutely no extra credit will be given to those ingenious students who think that they can survive the Nebraska winter by sharing sleeping bags to conserve body heat. In fact, such students will be thrown to the wolves, so to speak.

  2. Milly Brown-Rice

    This site is perpetuating lies in the name of “satire.” Satire is one thing; lies are another. This story is neither one! What a shame. You can stop hiding behind that silly screen name (“sevvy”). We know who you are; our private eye has identified you as Zhang Wei Foo of Shanghai, China. Why not use your time and talent to write something true and worthwhile, like The Adventures of Captain Underpants? Nobody–and I mean nobody–even reads this site anymore; and all these people who write comments are a big bunch of losers (including me). What is the world coming to? A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore!

  3. Vera Aloe

    It’s quite generous of the college to give a discount and donate sleeping bags to the students who have to sleep outdoors. They have nothing to complain about. Back when I was in college, we had to sleep in the snow and walk uphill both to and from campus. To talk to my boyfriend, I had to climb a mountain to reach the pay phone booth. And we trudged through 3 feet of snow to a brick-and-mortar library to pore over books and microfiche to research for term papers. There was no internet or cell phones. Kids have it so easy nowadays.

  4. What would Ben Carson say about this? Just what I was afraid of: his Adventist faith has drawn attention and is under the spotlight. “People tend to ascribe to Adventism any weird thing they have heard about religion because they don’t really know,” Carson said. http://www.cnn.com/2015/09/25/politics/ben-carson-2016-religion/index.html The article claims that “when Carson rails against political correctness …, he is echoing the language of church leaders” such as “an October 2014 speech [of] Ted N.C. Wilson.” That is false; Wilson’s comments were taken out of context. He was referring to not being “politically correct” in religious matters (not political matters). In other words, he was suggesting that Adventists should not try to copy or blend in with other churches’ religious doctrines.

    Douglas Morgan, a professor of history at Washington Adventist University, said, “Some [Adventists] are enthusiastic [about Carson’s candidacy] but it’s a small minority. I don’t get much of a sense from Adventists that this is our man, this is our Adventist candidate.”

    Carson said he has found plenty of support among fellow members of his church and the criticism doesn’t bother him at all. “I don’t identify myself as an Adventist,” he said. “I identify myself more as an American who happens to believe in Christ.”

  5. Richard Mills

    Concerning one reply about surviving the Nebraska winters-Go back and read up on “Little House on the Prairie”; how they dug out the sod, piled it up and made just enough room to keep warm. Just a thought on survivalism. Don’t forget to bring a very large supply of Little Debbies!! Woe is me!!

    • Harry Blotter

      Yeah, they will need lots of blubber to survive the sub-zero temperatures, so the Little Debbie’s will “hit the spot.” Even the skinniest person could survive the Nebraska winter after eating a few cases of those snack cakes that are filled with fat, grease, and oil. My dad was a 95-pound weakling before getting the health message a decade ago. Now, after loads of Little Debbies, he’s a 495-pound weakling — with plenty of built-in insulation to withstand even arctic winters. He can sometimes be spotted feeding Little Debbies to the polar bears.

      • Mitchell O'Bama

        How wonderful! I’ll be sure to send accolades to McKee for upholding the highest standards of diet and nutrition, which is what the “Let’s Move!” initiative is all about! http://www.LetsMove.gov The President should give them an award for Outstanding Achievement in promoting health and longevity. No other snack cakes would ever get such an award, but these are different because they’re made by SDA’s so they have to be good for you. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. After all, I hear that McKee has a cadre of Jesuits offering blessings upon every carton of cakes before the leave the factory.

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