BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Pushy Adventist headhunters have been barging into Copenhagen’s cafe church, a string of church offices and other hotspots of Adventist Denmark trying to find a replacement for Andrews University’s President, Dr. Niels-Erik Andreasen. The Danish Andrews president, who is widely credited with bringing stability and substantial growth to the Adventist university, has served in his position for 22 years and has said he will retire at the end of the 2015-2016 academic year.
“Dr. Andreasen might be quite literally irreplaceable judging by how well our candidates have performed in the Danish accent auditions so far,” said Ingen Chance, head of the search committee for a new president. “The problem is that students, faculty and donors won’t respond to anything less than a full-on Danish accent. They’ve had 22 years of it and by now it’s quite simply an expectation for anyone occupying that leadership position.”
Chance emphasized that an Adventist school “doesn’t just magically mushroom” into a global institution of more than 7,000 students studying around the world, with more than 3,400 studying on campus. “If you want to truly play in the Adventist big leagues, you’ve got to sound the part as president and with that effortless Danish delivery, Dr. Andreasen simply sounds a lot more more credible than your run-of-the-mill college administrator.”
Betraying more than a hint of frustration with the enormity of the task facing the search committee, Chance took a worried bite out of a Danish cookie. “We are not quite sure why Dr. Andreasen picked 2016 to leave, but after 22 years of working like a true statesman despite the oppressive stench of the nearby Andrews dairy, the man has earned his right to retire.”
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