BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — On Thursday, July 6, Seventh-day Adventist Michigan Conference President Jay Gallimore announced that all books containing words would be banned at the three Adventist Book Center (ABC) locations in Michigan.
“Words are dangerous things,” Gallimore stated gravely in a Facebook Live announcement. “Words lead to thoughts and we all know where thinking leads… definitely NOT to the kingdom of heaven, that’s for sure!”
When asked what will fill the now nearly-vacant ABC shelves, Gallimore told concerned customers they’ll have their fill of adult Adventist coloring books. “The Steps to Christ Coloring Book is my personal favorite,” Gallimore said, holding up a well-worn copy, the words on the cover carefully concealed by what appeared to be black permanent ink.
Gallimore is also hoping to collaborate with Pacific Press on a line of picture-only Bibles, though he acknowledges they have not returned his many phone calls and emails.
“Your average Adventist member shouldn’t be reading the Bible anyway. That’s what leads to different interpretations. A plain reading conducted by your pastor is best. It’s for the church leaders to inform members what the Bible says and what it means,” said Gallimore, reading from his most recent email to the Adventist publishing house.
To prevent wily customers from sneaking copies of Bible commentaries and devotionals out of dumpsters, the three ABC branches will each host book burning vespers under Gallimore’s strict supervision. Attendees are encouraged to bring any books, magazines, or journals from home to contribute.
A preliminary edition of a hymnal containing only musical notes will be unveiled at the book burning as well, and all those present will be invited to hum along to the songs as they watch thousands of books disintegrate to ash.
“It will be a sight to behold,” Gallimore said excitedly. “There hasn’t been a good book burning in decades! I think it was Germany that hosted the last one. Time for Americans to join in, don’t you think?”
Special thanks to Ally for the guest post.
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