28 fundamentals to be translated into emojis

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The new alphabet
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has launched a new initiative to translate the 28 fundamental beliefs of the church into emojis. The project, when completed, will allow for all 28 beliefs to be listed and fully explained on one smart phone screen, without the need to scroll.

GC Communications spokesperson Eddie O’Gram said that the new emoji translation will easily allow for evangelistic innovations through social media witnessing, allowing for far broader personal reach for individual members when compared to in-person potluck invites.

To complete the project, the GC has hired a team of 14-year-olds from across the Adventist world and has equipped them with their choice of smart phone and unlimited access to vegan snack substitutes.

“We have hired our most social media savvy members to translate the fundamentals into a modern vernacular,” said O’Gram. “Whether we like it or not, emojis are quickly replacing conventional languages.”

GC communications experts are confident that the emojis will speak across cultural and linguistic barriers. “You don’t need to speak English to understand that “  “ fully explains the Sabbath commandment,” said O’Gram.


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  1. Yonah

    Lol! So on that basis the Sabbath commandment means “wash feet and clothes quickly be good get angry and be baptised!” (Insert punctuation where appropriate) Hehe

    We have gone full circle on this one! The written Hebrew language originally consisted of pictures for letters (similar to Egyptian hieroglyphics) and those pictures had their own meanings, and say a lot about the meaning of the word! 🙂

    1. Hellery Clinton

      Don’t even try to understand it, Richard. Go back to your padded cell and repeat “Woe iz me” until you fall asleep. Then get up and eat a midnight snack of Fri-Chik and Little Debbies. That will do it every time.

  2. Ray Kraft

    For those of us over 14 the church’ll have to hire about a million translators to translate Emojis back into English, French, Spanish, German, and at least fifty other languages.

  3. richard mills

    Will one of you pass me a plateful of them Little Debbie chocolate covered, sprinkled caramel star shaped cookies? Also, I want to order up a large vanilla shake mixed with M&Ms. I want to be happy & contented when the next BA article comes out!

  4. This satite lays bare the authoritarian tyranny and machinations of a morally arrogant, fundamentalist Christian church. At the same time its leaders work hard to mitigate this offensive image. So official publicity talks interminably of its compassionate concern for the individual. Regretfully such talk is little more than a pious cant as made evident is this satire.

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