28 More Fundamentals Released

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After much contemplation and argument, a group of Seventh-day Adventist leaders has proposed adding 28 additional fundamental beliefs to the church’s current list of 28. Here are some of the proposed new beliefs and/or commandments, as reported by BarelyAdventist:

1) We believe that haystacks are the most perfect food ever created.

2) We believe that church potlucks should always include at least one vegetarian lasagna.

3) We believe that every church should have a resident pet (preferably a cat called Ted).

4) We believe that every member should have a signature potluck dish that they bring to every event.

5) We believe that church elders should be required to pass a pie-baking test before being ordained.

6) We believe that napping is a spiritual discipline.
We believe that every church should have a designated “nap room” for Sabbath afternoon naps.

7) We believe that the best way to end a church service is with a group sing-along of “Lean on Me.”

8) We believe that all Adventists should have a “potluck survival kit” in their car at all times.

9) We believe that anyone caught skipping church to watch football will be subject to immediate church discipline.

10) We believe that church greeters should always have a basket of mints on hand to offer anyone who hasn’t brushed their teeth.

11) We believe that “The Great Controversy” should be turned into a Broadway musical.

12) We believe that church pews should come equipped with built-in massagers.

13) We believe that Adventists should have their own dating app called “Seventh-day Swipes.”

14) We believe that the best way to evangelize is to hand out free samples of haystacks on street corners.

15) We believe that every Adventist should have a vegetable garden in their backyard.

16) Thou shalt not wear white after Labor Day.

17) We believe corn on pizza is an abomination

18) Thou shalt always put the toilet seat down.

19) We believe the Heritage Singers deserve a Grammy.

20) We believe it is better to arrive 30 minutes early than 1 minute late to church.

21) Thou shalt not wear Crocs to church.

22) We believe the correct way to hang toilet paper is with the end coming over the top.

23) Thou shalt not use Comic Sans in any church-related documents.

24) Thou shalt always double-knot thy shoelaces, lest thou trip and fall on the Sabbath.

25) Thou shalt not wear socks with sandals, for it is a sin.
26) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s avocado tree.

27) The best way to spread the gospel is through memes.

28) Thou shalt distance thyself from David Koresh.

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