What began as a routine church meeting board at Rocky Road Adventist quickly devolved into chaos last night over a proposed redesign of the bulletin board decor in the church lobby.
The meeting kicked off with the usual agenda items like ministry updates and financial reports. However, tensions escalated when Agnes Butterworth, a 92-year-old church greeter, unveiled her vision for a radical new look for the bulletin board.
“I’ve been pushing for an overhaul of that drab, dull board for ages,” said Butterworth. “My design incorporates a lively motif of pastel ducks and a smattering of decorative basket-weave trim.”
Butterworth’s proposal was met with instant outcry, with several members accusing her of attempting to undermine the church’s traditional values through frivolous embellishments.
“The bulletin board has featured a respectable oak frame for the last 47 years,” protested Deacon Reginald Puckering. “This duck nonsense is a bridge too far!”
As the shouting intensified, factions began to emerge, with one group advocating for Butterworth’s ducks and another solidly defending the oak frame’s supremacy. Allegations of generational discrimination were thrown about as the youth group voiced support for the ducks.
Pastor Michael Edgington attempted to restore order by tabling the discussion until the next meeting, but it was too late. Punches were thrown, chairs went airborne, and one overzealous member even attempted to construct a makeshift battering ram from the church’s coat rack.
Local authorities were eventually called to break up the fracas, which had spread out onto the church lawn. In the end, three members were arrested and the bulletin board remained woefully unadorned.
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