Adventist Couple Celebrates Freedom from Caffeine on Independence Day

“Support the BarelyAdventist team by joining our Patreon community or leaving a PayPal tip - it means the world to us.”

LOMA LINDA, Calif. – While most Americans celebrated their nation’s independence on July 4th, the Johnsons of Loma Linda took the opportunity to commemorate a different kind of freedom – their liberation from the clutches of caffeine.

The Johnsons, devout Seventh-day Adventists, decided to mark their 50th year anniversary of going completely caffeine-free by hosting a neighborhood “Decaf Declaration” party. Guests were treated to an array of caffeine-free beverages, including Roma, Postum, and a variety of herbal teas.

“Just as our forefathers broke free from British rule, we’ve broken free from the tyranny of coffee and cola,” declared family patriarch, Bob Johnson, while sipping from a mug of steaming Pero. “And let me tell you, the only thing more invigorating than the Boston Tea Party is our nightly chamomile tea party.”

The celebration featured activities such as “Pin the Carob on the Carob Tree” and a lively game of “Caffeine Jeopardy,” where contestants had to identify various caffeine-free alternatives to popular drinks.

The highlight of the evening was the “Fireworks Display,” where the couple dramatically poured out bottles of Coca-Cola and coffee beans onto their front lawn, much to the bewilderment of their non-Adventist neighbors.

“Sure, some folks might think we’re a bit extreme,” said Mary Johnson, gesturing to the “Don’t Tread on My Decaf” banner hanging from their porch. “But we’re just exercising our God-given right to life, liberty, and the non-pursuit of the jitters.”


You’ve had your fix of satire. Now head over to Adventist Today for current events updates, analysis and opinion on all things Adventist.


(Visited 131 times, 1 visits today)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *