Alicia Johnston to keynote GC-organized conference on human sexuality

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Three years after the General Conference neglected to invite a single openly-gay presenter to the first Adventist conference on homosexuality and alternative sexuality, Read more […]

Adventist sermon rating app promises to weed out bad preachers

Collegedale, Tenn. — A new app called BLAH-BLAH allows Adventists to rate their preachers. Creators of the app are hoping to weed out bad preachers from Adventist churches. In a promotional Read more […]

Merriam-Webster’s defines “haystacks” as “Adventist crack”

SPRINGFIELD, Mass. — In a soon-to-be-published new edition, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary has listed an additional definition for the term “haystacks.” In addition to it being the plural form Read more […]

GC organizes mandatory Unity Lock-in for rebel union leaders

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist leaders that attended a General Conference-organized invite-only event have been out of contact with the outside world for days. Leaders of Adventist unions Read more […]

3ABN to feature on Fox News after Bill O’Reilly departure

NEW YORK, N.Y. — Fox News has been on the hunt for new programming following the departure of its most famous anchor, Bill O’Reilly. Although Fox host Tucker Carlson will be taking O’Reilly’s Read more […]

Vin Diesel caught speeding next to La Sierra University

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — Actor Vin Diesel of the Fast and the Furious franchise was caught speeding near the campus of La Sierra University today. The star who was gunning it along Raley Drive Read more […]

United removes Doug Batchelor from plane for carrying “Sword of the Spirit”

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — United Airlines confirmed that it had removed veteran Adventist evangelist Doug Batchelor from a flight leaving Sacramento International Airport this afternoon. Batchelor Read more […]

Adventist wins Easter Bunny Design Olympics with vegan beasts of Revelation creation

NEW YORK, N.Y. — For the first time in the history of the International Easter Bunny Design Olympics, an Adventist has taken first place. Roger Lapin of Collegedale, Tennessee won the top Read more […]

Chick-fil-A to close on Saturdays after rich Adventist invests

ATLANTA, Ga. — After a major investment in the fast food company from a wealthy Adventist, Chick-fil-A has announced that it will now close its doors on Saturdays. The popular chain is already Read more […]