Trump bans distribution of ‘The Great Controversy’ books

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Adventist Church has been forced to halt one of its favorite witnessing activities after President Donald Trump banned distribution of copies of Ellen White’s The Great Read more […]

“It Is Time AU” video triggers honest, heartfelt apology from every Adventist school for racism

UPDATE (and this is not satire): On Thursday, February 23, Andrews University responded to the “It Is Time AU” video with a formal apology and pledge in the form of a video of its own titled “It Read more […]

Tom Brady’s lost Super Bowl jersey found at Adventist thrift store

ATLANTA, Ga. — The cloud of mystery hanging over Tom Brady’s Super Bowl LI jersey lifted today. The jersey which had gone missing soon after the New England Patriots won the Super Bowl turned Read more […]

Trump deports entirety of Adventist Religious Liberty department to Sweden

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Without so much as a 24-hour warning, US President Donald Trump has deported the entire staff of the Silver Spring, Maryland-based Adventist Public Affairs and Religious Liberty Read more […]

GC: Forgetting to pray before meals causes food poisoning

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a special warning this afternoon, General Conference officials warned members that neglecting to pray before they eat leads directly to food poisoning. In an email Read more […]

Pathfinder marching honor eliminated for promoting dancing

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Pathfinder marching honor is officially a thing of the past. After an exhaustive study by the General Conference-based Biblical Research Institute, GC leaders say Read more […]

GC ordination experts lavish praise on gender of Trump’s senior team

SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference ordination experts wiped away tears of joy and relief at the “sensible, male direction” that the United States is now heading after examining a recent Read more […]

GC hires house inspectors to check pre-Sabbath cleanliness of Adventist homes

SILVER SPRING, Md. — An army of housekeeping inspectors has been hired by the General Conference. The new inspectors are tasked with manually checking Adventist homes for cleanliness on Friday Read more […]