Report: Thorn in Paul’s flesh revealed to be haystacks addiction

  SILVER SPRING, Md. — Members of the General Conference-based Biblical Research Institute claim to have cleared up a mystery that has confused biblical scholars for centuries. In Read more […]

Adventist Book Centers offer “spirits” to boost holiday sales

USA — In a creative effort to boost holiday sales, Adventist Book Centers across the United States have begun to offer “spirits.” When asked by alarmed Adventists to clarify what the Adventist Read more […]

Doug Batchelor wins Spectrum Magazine’s Adventist of the Year award

ROSEVILLE, CALIF. — In a surprise win that has left the editors of Spectrum Magazine completely dumbfounded, conservative Adventist evangelist and Amazing Facts presenter Doug Batchelor won Read more […]

Adventists banned from telling kids about Santa because he “levitates”

SILVER SPRING, Md. — A Christmas Day email blast from the General Conference headquarters of the Adventist Church has instructed world divisions to demand that members refrain from telling their Read more […]

Report: Adventist homes dirtier in winter due to early Friday sunset

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Results from a year-long study into the cleanliness of Adventist homes point to dramatic drop in standards as the winter months have brought earlier Friday sunsets. “Adventist Read more […]

Adventist 100-year-old from Loma Linda cast in Expendables 4

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Sylvester Stallone’s franchise of Expendables films has announced a fourth installment to be released in 2018. To keep the series fresh, a centenarian Seventh-day Adventist Read more […]

Adventist home from college absolutely sick of the gift of singleness

PARADISE, Calif. — Just back from college yesterday, Walla Walla junior engineering major Solo Fide caught up with hometown friends and hoped against all hope that the gift of singleness would Read more […]

Adventist penny-pinchers ask ADRA to renovate house

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Feeling the financial squeeze of the holidays, Tom and Suzie Avaro have petitioned the Adventist Development and Relief Agency (ADRA) for a complete renovation of their house. In Read more […]

GC bans Genesis Creation account for excessive nudity

SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference leaders have banned pastors from referencing the Genesis Creation account after determining that the story contained an “unacceptable amount of nudity.” GC Read more […]