Walla Walla students pray for Second Coming “before Finals Week”

College Place, Wash. — Hundreds of Walla Walla University students huddled together this morning to pray for what students leaders called a “pre-Finals Week Second Coming.” Winter Quarter Read more […]

Adventist leaders bash Trump’s ‘Muslim ban,’ still cool with women’s ordination ban

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Leaders at the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists were quick to condemn a call for a “total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the US” by billionaire US Read more […]

Adventists rush to erect pagan moments in church before Christmas

Adventist congregations across America are working flat out recruiting their best volunteers to erect huge monuments to paganism before the biggest deadline on the Christian calendar. Although Read more […]

General Conference before fundraising campaign: “Little Debbie Snacks are healthy”

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Little Debbie snacks have been officially approved as a health food by the General Conference on the eve of a multi-year fundraising campaign for the denomination’s free Read more […]

Adventists tell heartwarming tales of pilgrims sharing Tofurky at first Thanksgiving

Adventists across America are devouring lavish Thanksgiving dinners armed with tales of grateful pilgrims at the very first Thanksgiving, sharing delicious Tofurky roasts with one and all. “Having Read more […]

Gang of nervous turkeys seek gainful employment at General Conference

SILVER SPRING, Md. — A gang of nervous Silver Spring turkeys are hoping to escape the chopping block this year by finding work at the best known vegetarian employer in town: the General Conference Read more […]

Adventist leaders announce “haystacks-related” 29th fundamental belief

SILVER SPRING, Md. — A new fundamental belief for the Seventh-day Adventist Church is in the pipeline according to an official statement from the General Conference. Although the exact language Read more […]

Trump not opposed to a registry of Adventists either

NEW YORK, N.Y. — After drawing fire this week for seeming to support a US registry of Muslims, real estate magnate and presidential candidate, Donald Trump has done what he usually does in the Read more […]