Gang of nervous turkeys seek gainful employment at General Conference

SILVER SPRING, Md. — A gang of nervous Silver Spring turkeys are hoping to escape the chopping block this year by finding work at the best known vegetarian employer in town: the General Conference Read more […]

Adventist leaders announce “haystacks-related” 29th fundamental belief

SILVER SPRING, Md. — A new fundamental belief for the Seventh-day Adventist Church is in the pipeline according to an official statement from the General Conference. Although the exact language Read more […]

Trump not opposed to a registry of Adventists either

NEW YORK, N.Y. — After drawing fire this week for seeming to support a US registry of Muslims, real estate magnate and presidential candidate, Donald Trump has done what he usually does in the Read more […]

Bald Adventist pastor wonders why bears aren’t devouring his critics

CRANKY CORNER, Mont. — Senior Pastor Fred Uhp of Mockingjay Lane Seventh-day Adventist Church has begun to openly complain to his staff about the lack of dangerous wildlife surrounding the church Read more […]

Adventist Church removes “ultra-violent” Onward Christian Soldiers from hymn book

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Leaders of the Seventh-day Adventist Church have admitted that, given substantially heightened tensions around religiously-motivated violence, there is no place for the Read more […]

Adventist Church: earrings ok if they double as timepieces

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a dramatic reversal of its traditional anti-jewelry stance, the Seventh-day Adventist Church has released a statement declaring that earrings are acceptable attire for Read more […]

Forbes rates Walla Walla most expensive way to get married in America

  NEW YORK, N.Y. — In Forbes Magazine’s annual review of American wedding costs, a four-year-or-more education at Walla Walla University has been rated as the most expensive way to get Read more […]

Batchelor to defend Best Adventist Back Handspring title at Union College Acrofest

LINCOLN, Neb. — Unquestionably one of the fittest Seventh-day Adventist evangelists, Doug Batchelor will travel this week to Union College in Lincoln, Neb. to compete in of one the denomination’s Read more […]

GC Stewardship Department employee wins Maryland Lottery

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The winner of the Maryland’s most recent Mega Millions Lottery jackpot has released a statement saying that he is “at once the luckiest and the unluckiest man in Maryland.” With Read more […]