Email blast begs members not to encourage preacher to take his time

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — An urgent email blast was sent out to members of Berrien Lane Church this morning imploring members not to encourage this Sabbath’s divine service speaker to “take his time.” Church Read more […]

Adventist Annual Council recognizes Spectrum Magazine for “fair and unbiased reporting”

Silver Spring, Md. — World leaders of the Seventh-day Adventist Church paused for a quick ceremony to recognize Spectrum Magazine’s contribution to Adventist journalism today. Annual Council Read more […]

Mel Gibson awarded honorary Adventist membership for directing ‘Hacksaw Ridge’

  HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Famed actor and director, Mel Gibson is officially the first person to be awarded honorary membership by the Seventh-day Adventist Church. Although church leaders Read more […]

GC’s Annual Council sets Guiness World Record for Biggest Vegetarian Sausage Fest

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Annual Council started with a bang as the yearly church business meeting set a Guiness World Record on the first day. Months of painstaking planning with CHIP-approved Read more […]

General Conference SWAT teams raid offices of women-ordaining unions

BREAKING NEWS SILVER SPRING, Md. — SWAT teams of elite Master Guides dressed in black were sent by the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists to storm the offices of the Pacific Union Read more […]

Adventist Churches to issue mandatory breath mints on Sabbath mornings

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In an effort to improve the Sabbath experience for members and visitors, Seventh-day Adventist church leaders have voted to mandate the distribution of breath mints on Sabbath Read more […]

Adventist man reported missing found in church committee meeting

COLLEGE PLACE, Wash. — A 50-something man who was formally declared missing by his family last weekend has been found in a church committee meeting Bo Ludo sheepishly admitted to local reporters Read more […]

Adventist church to increase permissible number of haystack toppings to 29

SILVER SPRING, Md. — After years of painful study, deliberation and taste-testing, Seventh-day Adventist leaders have decided to increase the already hotly-debated number of permissible haystack Read more […]