Adventist crime hotline established to report Sabbath breakers

  SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Seventh-day Adventist Church has established a robustly-staffed hotline to which members can report each other of suspected Sabbath violations. Members Read more […]

Candidates visit Loma Linda, hire rival CHIP lifestyle coaches

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — In a bid to convince voters they are healthy enough to win the presidency, both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have signed up for personalized CHIP (Complete Health Improvement Read more […]

Seventh-day Adventist Church endorses “perfectly-numbered” iPhone 7

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In the first Apple product endorsement in Seventh-day Adventist history, church leaders released a statement today extolling the virtues of the “perfectly numbered” iPhone Read more […]

Theology major marches around crush seven times to bring her defenses down

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Junior Theology major Nedlan Flanners was seen earlier today somberly marching in circles around an utterly confused girl on the campus of Southern Adventist University. Although Read more […]

OBG – Slide Show: 15 things Adventists say, decoded

Look what we dug up from the archives! Advertise on BarelyAdventist SPONSORED LINKS Single, separated, divorced and widowed Adventists who want to change that status wanted. Follow Read more […]

Report: Adventist inbreeding results in genetic weakness for haystacks

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Researchers at Loma Linda University’s School of Public Health have detected a genetic weakness in multigenerational Adventists that renders them “defenseless against the Read more […]

Adventist Book Center sued for false advertising

SILVER SPRING, Md. — A lawsuit has been filed against an Adventist Book Center after the store put “signed” copies of the Bible on display. Although the shrink-wrapped Bibles caused a dramatic Read more […]

Pandemonium erupts as Adventist pastor announces potluck is canceled

MARIETTA, Ga. — A full scale riot erupted at Marietta Central Adventist Church following a last-minute announcement from Senior Pastor, Des Graciado, that potluck last Sabbath had been canceled. Reports Read more […]

ARNOLD: “I’ll be back” line inspired by Adventist Second Coming sermon

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — In an exclusive interview with the Adventist Review, action movie star and former Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger acknowledged that one of his most famous catchphrases Read more […]

Confused Adventist thinks seeking the lost means finding Waldo

HONOLULU, Hawaii — Since his pastor encouraged the congregation to seek the lost last Sabbath, over earnest Adventist Skru Messinge has purchased three Waldo books at his local Barnes & Read more […]