Pete Buttigieg Vows To Return Dairy Cows To Andrews As US President

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Md. — Speaking to an adoring crowd of Andrews students and Berrien Springs residents, South Bend, Indiana mayor and presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg vowed to “put first Read more […]

Trumps infuriates GC by calling Andrews University the capital of Adventism

WASHINGTON, D.C. — General Conference leaders are up in arms after US President Donald Trump referred to Berrien Springs-based Andrews University as the “capital of Adventism” in a White House Read more […]

Andrews Seminarians’ #1 Pickup Line: God wants us to be together

BERRIEN SPRING, Mich. — According to an anonymous survey done of single seminarians at Andrews University, their favorite pick-up line by far is “God wants us to be together.” Nine out of Read more […]

Pastor fired for using “fake Greek” in his sermons

ATHENS, Ga. — An Adventist pastor was dismissed from his post today after it was discovered that he had been faking his grasp of biblical Greek over the last several years. Pastor Joe Phantasia Read more […]

Single Andrews seminarian praying for growth of Department of Nursing

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Since his arrival on the campus of Andrews University, single seminarian Esper Rando has set aside time at dawn, noon and sunset to pray for the growth of the school’s Department Read more […]

Andrews University to relocate now that Muhammad Ali no longer lives nearby

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Andrews University announced today that the school’s campus will be moving “now that Muhammad Ali no longer lives in Berrien Springs.” Although the statement said Read more […]

Rich Adventist funds research into needle eyes that can fit camels

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Multi-millionaire Adventist Frank B. Worthington has funded major research at the Andrews University School of Architecture. The aim of the project is to design sewing Read more […]

Andrews University gives thanks after tornado destroys eyesore gym

  BREAKING NEWS BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — A crowd of several thousand Andrews University students, staff, faculty and alumni gathered around what used to be the school’s Johnson Gymnasium Read more […]

Art majors go to Andrews for free because they will never repay loans

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Andrews University announced this morning that in addition to its well-known academic scholarships available to qualifying students of any major, it will waive all tuition Read more […]

Yelp claims Dwight Nelson’s jokes are funnier by second service

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Ratings and reviews company Yelp has begun allowing parishioners to grade their ministers on their performance in the pulpit. The overall consensus in Berrien Springs, Read more […]