General Conference bans church board meetings, claims they delay Second Coming

BREAKING NEWS SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has banned local church board meetings across the denomination after its own biblical researchers blamed Read more […]

A third of Adventist pastors face termination for being too boring

SILVER SPRING, Md. — A leak from high-level personnel discussions at the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists indicates that the denomination is on the verge of terminating the employment Read more […]

Bald Adventist pastor wonders why bears aren’t devouring his critics

CRANKY CORNER, Mont. — Senior Pastor Fred Uhp of Mockingjay Lane Seventh-day Adventist Church has begun to openly complain to his staff about the lack of dangerous wildlife surrounding the church Read more […]

Rival churches fight to recruit cute kids for lambs’ offering

LOS ANGELES,Calif. — The Southern California Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has declared a state of emergency in the greater Los Angeles area as an all-out battle rages between Adventist Read more […]

Study: Ignoring visitors may hurt church attendance

Those shorts have got “Newbie” written all over them… SILVER SPRING, Md. — “Turns out ignoring new people isn’t a great church growth strategy,” said Kent Latherby, lead statistician for Read more […]

Ted Wilson retires from GC Presidency, takes up church construction

LA ROMANA, Dominican Republic — “I’m done with office work,” explained Pastor Ted Wilson from his perch at the top of some scaffolding. A natural handyman, Wilson gave up his role as General Read more […]

Slide Show: What kind of Adventist are you?

Not many people outside of the denomination realize that Adventists come in all flavors and types. We’re rainbow sherbet, not just raspberry sorbet (and yes, maybe we were a little hungry as we wrote this.) But no matter where you fall on the spectrum, everybody is welcome! (Note: There are sure to be more types than the ones presented here. Feel free to suggest more in the comments section.)

Adventism wins ‘Demanding Denomination of the Year’ title as Annual Review is introduced

Christianity Today’s annual listing of Most Demanding Christian Denominations was published today with the Seventh-day Adventist Church listed as the undisputed winner. Always in the top 5 Read more […]

Church leaders contemplating baby baptisms

SAO PAULO, Brazil — Plans to introduce baby baptisms were discussed at “Imagine the Possibilities,” an international Adventist Church Growth Conference held today. Baby baptism supporters Read more […]