Ted Wilson retires from GC Presidency, takes up church construction

LA ROMANA, Dominican Republic — “I’m done with office work,” explained Pastor Ted Wilson from his perch at the top of some scaffolding. A natural handyman, Wilson gave up his role as General Read more […]

Dance step to accompany ‘We Have This Hope’ at GC 2020

SILVER SPRING, Md. — “There is absolutely no reason to freak out,” opened North American Division Sacred Music Director, Liz Samuels at a press briefing outside her office this morning. She Read more […]

General Conference building on lockdown after discovery of drum set

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Hundreds of church executives and other employees have been trapped inside the General Conference building since the spotting of a suspicious-looking drum set in the GC Read more […]

Conference President: Why have female pastors when you have pastor’s wives?

SILVER SPRING, Md. – Two members of the Theology of Ordination Study Committee believe there is a simple solution to the women’s ordination question: real pastors’ wives. Tri-States Conference Read more […]

Superstitious Church leaders scrap 13th Sabbath tradition

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a dramatic shift for the Adventist church, world leaders have decided to discontinue the practice of holding special offerings and communion on the last Saturday of each Read more […]

“Over my Dead Body” ceremony unites church leaders in opposition to losing their positions at the 2015 General Conference Session

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a hastily-arranged yet highly somber break-away session from this year’s Annual Council meetings, Adventist leaders from around the world held up miniature coffins Read more […]

Ted Wilson and Dan Jackson to go on 7-day cruise to “work on the relationship”

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Despite reports of tensions between General Conference President, Ted Wilson and North American Division President, Dan Jackson, the two Adventist leaders have issued a Read more […]

GC leaders rushed away in ambulances after Ice Bucket Challenge

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Right after finishing work today, 30 high-level General Conference Leaders were rushed away to local hospitals in ambulances after having buckets of ice water dumped Read more […]

Controversial pictures of GC Health Ministries employees at Cheesecake Factory leaked

SILVER SPRING, Md. — “This morning gratuitous pictures surfaced online of vegan Health Ministries Department employees consuming unconscionable quantities of dessert at the Baltimore Cheesecake Read more […]

Coffee maker scandal rocks General Conference building

SILVER SPRING, Md. — One of the biggest scandals in recent Adventist history erupted this morning when a coffee maker was discovered on the third floor of the General Conference building. The Read more […]