Category: Sabbath Observance
Song Service Leader On His 4th āHappy Sabbath Church!ā Clearly Just Killing Time
Leafy Glen, Tenn. – His first overly-chipper āHappy Sabbath Church!ā helped snap members out of their late morning slumber at the start of divine service last weekend. The (predictable) repeat Read more […]
Legalist Suing Sunset App For Being Minute Late
LOMA LINDA, Calif. – Fred Bootherson has lawyered up. He was horrified last Friday when, as a matter of due diligence, he cross-referenced the sunset time forecast on his Feersi sunset time Read more […]
Dilemma: Should I Pay My Taxi Driver On Sabbath?
Hi BarelyAdventist readers, I’m writing this in a cab on the way to church and I wanted to get your take on whether or not I should pay my driver. I really would rather not pay my fare Read more […]
Adventists Resolve To Make It To Church On Time At Some Point In 2020
LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Friends and relatives of theĀ HopplƶsĀ family have been roped into holding them accountable to their New Year’s resolution of making it to time on church once in 2020. Read more […]
Tesla Update Prevents Adventists from Driving To Restaurants On Sabbath
PALO ALTO, Calif. — In its latest software update, Tesla has included an “Adventist” feature that cross references Adventist membership records with customer lists. Wherever there is a match, Read more […]
Literalist Men’s Retreat Ends With Everyone’s Eyes Plucked Out
The “Blind Faith” Men’s Retreat ended today with an entirely eye-less crowd of men trying to find their way out of an auditorium. Speakers at the retreat had advocated a stridently literal Read more […]
Michigan Conference Pedometer Measures Sabbath Steps
Lansing, Mich. — In an effort to enforce Sabbath observance guidelines, the Michigan Conference is distributing pedometers that will measure steps taken by Adventists on Sabbath. Pedometer data Read more […]
Deacons to Drive Out After-Church Socializers With Whips
ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventist deacons across the denomination have been given the authority to drive out confirmed over-socializers with whips if they do not clear the sanctuary within 15 minutes Read more […]
Sabbath Wading Oversight Committee Makes Splash
SILVER SPRING, Md. — A brand new oversight committee concerned exclusively with Sabbath wading, was announced in the General Conference auditorium this morning. Armed with bulky measuring sticks, Read more […]