Song Service Leader On His 4th ā€œHappy Sabbath Church!ā€ Clearly Just Killing Time

Leafy Glen, Tenn. – His first overly-chipper ā€œHappy Sabbath Church!ā€ helped snap members out of their late morning slumber at the start of divine service last weekend. The (predictable) repeat Read more […]

Legalist Suing Sunset App For Being Minute Late

LOMA LINDA, Calif. – Fred Bootherson has lawyered up. He was horrified last Friday when, as a matter of due diligence, he cross-referenced the sunset time forecast on his Feersi sunset time Read more […]

Adventists Resolve To Make It To Church On Time At Some Point In 2020

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Friends and relatives of theĀ HopplƶsĀ family have been roped into holding them accountable to their New Year’s resolution of making it to time on church once in 2020. Read more […]

Tesla Update Prevents Adventists from Driving To Restaurants On Sabbath

PALO ALTO, Calif. — In its latest software update, Tesla has included an “Adventist” feature that cross references Adventist membership records with customer lists. Wherever there is a match, Read more […]

Literalist Men’s Retreat Ends With Everyone’s Eyes Plucked Out

The “Blind Faith” Men’s Retreat ended today with an entirely eye-less crowd of men trying to find their way out of an auditorium. Speakers at the retreat had advocated a stridently literal Read more […]

Michigan Conference Pedometer Measures Sabbath Steps

Lansing, Mich. — In an effort to enforce Sabbath observance guidelines, the Michigan Conference is distributing pedometers that will measure steps taken by Adventists on Sabbath. Pedometer data Read more […]

Deacons to Drive Out After-Church Socializers With Whips

ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventist deacons across the denomination have been given the authority to drive out confirmed over-socializers with whips if they do not clear the sanctuary within 15 minutes Read more […]

Sabbath Wading Oversight Committee Makes Splash

SILVER SPRING, Md. — A brand new oversight committee concerned exclusively with Sabbath wading, was announced in the General Conference auditorium this morning. Armed with bulky measuring sticks, Read more […]