Wilson on Beards: “I don’t know how James White did it…”

BREAKING NEWS SILVER SPRING, Md. — In an exclusive Adventist News Network interview entirely dedicated to vital beard-growth prep ahead of Annual Council 2018, General Conference President Read more […]

Wilson upgrades glasses to better see the light

SILVER SPRING, MD — Spring Meeting attendees have joined the rest of the Adventist World in congratulating General Conference President Ted Wilson on his surprisingly fashionable new glasses. Wilson Read more […]

Georgia Dome Implodes From Guilt Over Hosting Ted Wilson’s 2010 Election

ATLANTA, Ga. — Seven years after hosting the 2010 General Conference Session in which current GC President Ted Wilson was elected, the Georgia Dome has imploded with guilt over its tragic facilitation Read more […]

Ted Wilson expresses special affection for “brilliantly named” Trans-European Division (TED)

SPRING, Md. — Much to everyone’s surprise, General Conference President Ted Wilson told reporters today that his favorite world division of the Adventist Church was the Trans-European Division Read more […]

Trump demands to see Ted Wilson’s birth certificate

WASHINGTON, D.C. — US President Donald Trump demanded this afternoon that Maryland-born General Conference President Ted Wilson produce his birth certificate. Trump claimed that he did not Read more […]

Wilson and Jackson declare ceasefire, go see Hacksaw Ridge together

SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference President Ted Wilson and North American Division President Dan Jackson have taken a 24-hour break from the daily tug-of-war in their shared Silver Spring Read more […]

Ted Wilson: “I seriously regret encouraging TMI”

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In an emotional press conference this morning, General Conference President Ted Wilson spoke to reporters about the biggest regret of his time in office so far. “I seriously Read more […]

Michael Phelps thanks Ted Wilson for death stare coaching

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil — US Olympian Michael Phelps delighted the world with a death stare aimed at fellow olympian Chad Le Clos yesterday. Although the gold medalist’s expression was immediately Read more […]

Ted Wilson to fight Manny Pacquiao for ADRA fundraising event

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In the first event of its kind, Ted Wilson, president of the Seventh-day Adventist Church, will fight boxing superstar and Filipino congressman Manny Pacquaio in Manila. Read more […]