John Oliver tackles women’s ordination in Adventism

NEW YORK, N.Y. — HBO’s John Oliver talked about women’s ordination within Adventism in the most recent airing of his extremely popular topical comedy show, Last Week Tonight. The British Read more […]

GC organizes mandatory Unity Lock-in for rebel union leaders

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist leaders that attended a General Conference-organized invite-only event have been out of contact with the outside world for days. Leaders of Adventist unions Read more […]

GC ordination experts lavish praise on gender of Trump’s senior team

SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference ordination experts wiped away tears of joy and relief at the “sensible, male direction” that the United States is now heading after examining a recent Read more […]

Tyler Perry’s Madea to speak at Oakwood Women’s Ordination rally

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. — As the hot potato of women’s ordination continues to dominate conversation at Adventist colleges, Oakwood University has announced that actor and producer Tyler Perry’s character Read more […]

“United in Sexism” slogan approved by massive majority at Annual Council

SILVER SPRING, Md. — “United in Sexism,” the new slogan for the Seventh-day Adventist Church, was voted in by a massive majority at the denomination’s Annual Council Tuesday. Due for rollout Read more […]

GC’s Annual Council sets Guiness World Record for Biggest Vegetarian Sausage Fest

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Annual Council started with a bang as the yearly church business meeting set a Guiness World Record on the first day. Months of painstaking planning with CHIP-approved Read more […]

General Conference SWAT teams raid offices of women-ordaining unions

BREAKING NEWS SILVER SPRING, Md. — SWAT teams of elite Master Guides dressed in black were sent by the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists to storm the offices of the Pacific Union Read more […]

Carson: “Cruz’s non-endorsement of Trump is biggest insult since GC rejected Women’s Ordination”

CLEVELAND, Ohio — Former presidential candidate Ben Carson had strong words to describe Ted Cruz’s refusal to endorse Donald Trump for president yesterday. “Cruz’s non-endorsement of Donald Read more […]

General Conference votes to stop all pastoral ordinations

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has voted to halt pastoral ordination across the world church. The decision was made in an effort to address rising tensions Read more […]

General Conference suspends North American Division from decision making for supporting women

SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference leaders of the Seventh-day Adventist Church have chosen to sanction the North American Division of the church for what GC leadership calls “disruptive Read more […]