In a groundbreaking move that has sent shockwaves through the Adventist community, the First Seventh-day Adventist Church of Chargewell has reported record-breaking attendance after installing phone charging ports in every pew.
Pastor Elijah Volt, the mastermind behind this electrifying initiative, beamed with pride as he addressed the overflowing congregation. “We’ve finally found a way to make our members’ eyes light up during the sermon,” he quipped, gesturing to the sea of glowing screens before him.
The church, which had been struggling with dwindling attendance, saw its membership surge by 300% in just one week. “It’s a miracle,” exclaimed head elder Amelia Ampere. “We haven’t seen this many people in church since the great vegetarian chili cook-off of ’98.”
However, not everyone is thrilled with the new development. Deacon Levi Luddite expressed concern that the constant glow of phone screens might be mistaken for “strange fire” in the sanctuary. Meanwhile, the church’s tech-savvy youth group has started a petition to upgrade the charging ports to include USB-C and wireless options.
In other news, the church’s power bill has skyrocketed, leading to a new stewardship campaign titled “Charge Your Soul, Not Just Your Phone.” The campaign encourages members to donate extra offerings to cover the increased electricity costs.
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