Berrien Springs, MI — Dr. Dwight Nelson has decided to answer the question that has been burning in the hearts of fellow pastors and parishioners alike: “Why does he never age?” The Andrews University-based Senior Pastor of Pioneer Memorial Church called a press conference today to make the revelation.
“The truth is, it’s facial creams…. well, facial creams and starting gray,” joked the pastor whose hair has been gray hair for longer than Richard Gere’s.
Nelson went on to announce that in addition to finally spilling his secret, he was launching a line of anti-aging creams. The line will be called Dwight. “I personally guarantee that these creams will keep you looking young and alert for longer than any product currently on the market.”
“Pastor Dwight started experimenting with these creams right before Net ’98,” said product spokesperson Sandy Adams, referencing the global evangelism series that Nelson led. “He hasn’t aged a day since,” she said, holding up pictures of Nelson today and in 1998.
“I understand that this isn’t the most common move for a pastor to make but you know what? Desperate times call for desperate measures,” said Nelson.
“For years now, Andrews University has had to endure the dubious honor of being home to what is commonly known as the ‘ugliest gym in Adventism’. That’s gotta change. Every dollar of profit from Dwight products will go to support the building of a new athletics complex at Andrews University.”
The crowd of students, faculty and journalists erupted in cheers and applause at the announcement with even the most restrained members of the crowd managing a hearty “Amen”.
Before exiting the stage, Dwight Nelson announced a series of dates for product demonstrations to be held in the Andrews University Student Center.
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to throw you in the deep end. I’ll personally walk you guys through proper technique at these demonstrations. But for now I’ll say this: It’s all in using your ring finger as it is the most delicate and least used. That’ll ensure a gentle, even application.”
“Booya!” yelled junior Bio-Chemistry major Tod Atkinson, as Nelson waved and left. “An hour ago I wouldn’t have been caught dead using facial creams but now that I know Dwight uses them, I’m in!!” He then grabbed his backpack and sprinted in the direction of the Andrews University Bookstore which was already reporting a torrent of pre-orders for Dwight creams from all over the world.
“Dwight’s made his fair share of mistakes,” said Andrews Marketing Professor Danae Laurens, weighing in on the announcement. “Those mustaches have never worked and he for sure talked way too fast for the translators in Net ’98. But the Dwight creams are an excellent idea. The market will ultimately determine how well they do, but if you ask me, Andrews will be able to break ground on that new athletics complex by Alumni Homecoming.”
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