Eligible Adventist Males Declared Endangered Species

FONTAINEBLEU, France — The International Union for Conservation of Nature has made its first human addition to the list of endangered species: eligible Adventist males.

The IUCN said that numbers of single Adventist males with a job and basic hygiene had fallen dangerously low. The organization is calling for conservation efforts around the world, challenging authorities to do whatever they can to ensure the survival of this fragile species.

“Eligible Adventist males are hard to spot in the wild,” said IUCN conservation specialist,  Bob O. Rap. “You can’t just check if an Adventist man is wearing a wedding ring to determine if he’s spoken for. Some of the married ones have strange views on adornment that confuse the heck out of everyone.” 

As part of the conservation efforts, every Sabbath morning attendance of eligible Adventist males is being geo-tagged. In addition, there is a worldwide ban on over-hunting Adventist males as the current 7:1 female to male ratio has been deemed unsustainable.


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