Entire Congregation Blows Diet at Poltuck

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Everyone at Setbacks Seventh-day Adventist Church abandoned their summer health kick during last Sabbath’s potluck.

The church, known for its kale smoothie socials and tofu cooking classes, had embarked on a congregation-wide “Beach Body Bible Study” initiative just three weeks ago. However, all good intentions evaporated faster than you can say “haystack” when faced with Sister Johnson’s seven-layer dip and Brother Smith’s “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Cheese” casserole.

“I was doing so well with my CHIP-approved eating,” lamented Sarah Thompson, 32, while inconspicuously reaching for her third slice of Sister White’s famous blueberry cobbler. “But it’s too hot to cook at home. Surely calories don’t count when you’re saving electricity, right?”

Pastor Mike Wellman, who had been preaching a series on “The Temple of the Holy Spirit,” was seen discretely loosening his belt after his second trip to the dessert table. “It’s all about moderation,” he insisted, eyeing the last piece of Sister Garcia’s lemon meringue pie. “And fellowship. Mostly fellowship.”

In related news, attendance at this week’s evening Vacation Bible School planning meeting hit an all-time low, with most members citing “food coma” as their excuse for absence.

As of press time, the congregation has collectively vowed to “do better next week,” while simultaneously planning next Sabbath’s menu of comfort foods and summer desserts.


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