GC bans Adventists from marrying unless they’ve been on a vespers date

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These two are good to go...
These two are good to go…
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference has established a bare minimum of one pre-wedding vespers date as a prerequisite for Adventist couples wishing to be married by an Adventist minister. In an effort to “quality test candidates for marriage” both parties will need to produce documentation proving that they attended the vespers date as a couple, properly vouched for by, at the very least, a low-level elder.

“Something as basic as a correctly-dated social media posting containing a picture of the two of you, chatting in a church lobby or singing from the same hymn book will do the trick,” said GC Director of Needless Regulation, Tugh Mutch. “But don’t send me selfies that were obviously taken during a service. They will be rejected as you should have been paying attention to the speaker.”

Mutch explained that the new vespers date requirement had been added so as to minimize the chance of unequal yoking. “There is something about sitting in pews, elbows lightly touching while someone in obvious need of further piano instruction struggles through “Don’t Forget the Sabbath”, that functions as Adventist romance steroids. It is absolutely essential.”

In response to questions about whether alternative activities could fulfill the vespers date requirement, Mutch was dismissive: “No. Banquet dates, whether they were held at an academy, college or your local church fellowship hall simply won’t cut it. Neither will meandering nature walks or romantic vegetarian canned food collection.”



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  1. Ha ha! Nice name for the “GC Director of Needless Regulation,” Mr. “Tugh Mutch.” I agree, it is “Too Much”! I wonder if he is also in charge of jewelry regulations.

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  2. oldschool

    How progressive! Back in the previous century, when we were dating, my fiancee and I were suspect when we would sit together at vespers. And cameras! Forget about it.

  3. Richard Mills

    This is one more way to guard the edges of the Sabbath. Great strategy!! Why didn’t somebody think of this a long time ago when I was a student at that New England school?? I would have been a different person!! Reminds me of the Bible passage, Micah 6:8. Micah 7:5. Yes, Woe is me!!

    1. Eric Renfroe

      Jane, you’re dating yourself. “Pass It On” went passé at least 20 years ago. Acoustic guitars are somewhat passé at most colleges, too. Now it’s more keyboards, bass guitar, and drums.

      1. Jake Cello

        Or screeching, screaming electric guitars played by dudes in leather pants, long hair, sunglasses, and tattoos. Ah, for the good old days when violins and harps used to be played at vespers!

        1. You guys are all from California or larger cities, aren’t you? Where I’m from, there aren’t any Afterglows, you’re lucky if you can find a Vespers service once a month, and “Pass it On” is about the newest song anyone sings. (Oh, and you have to walk uphill both ways…)

  4. Richard Mills

    This is what happens when you sing along with the Wedgewood Trio at Vespers. After the Vespers I was always in a “glowing” mood. Loved the trip down Memory Lane in good old New England.

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